Missing Taylor

One year ago.......We lost you.   In my mind, I didn't lose you when I actually miscarried.  I lost you when the doctor told us you were gone.  Even though I miscarried at 10 weeks gestation, I have 9 weeks on your memorial necklace that I can't take off.

I wear your memorial necklace always.  Taking it off is hard and seems like I'm taking you out of my mind.  I love to hold onto it as I think of you during the day.  It sounds crazy, but when I talk to you I hold onto it also.  I'm so glad that there are jewelry sites that specialize in miscarriage and loss jewelry.  When I ordered a necklace shortly after our appointment, I didn't know that I would cherish it so much.  I also didn't know that it would be a 'connection'  to you.

I also love it because when people ask about my necklace, I get to tell them about you.

Front of necklace

Back of necklace

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

 but it never fails to bring music to my ears. 

If you are really my friend, 

let me hear the beautiful music of his name. 

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

What a Difference

What a difference a year can make!  I can't believe it's been a whole year since we got the horrible news that the ultrasound didn't reveal a heartbeat.  This past year has been full of ups and downs and I'd like to think that in the past year, I've become more aware of myself.

My life has changed in so many ways.  I now know what it is to love like a mother does.  I know which friends are truly in my life and care.  I know just how strong I am.

A year ago, I never would have imagined life as I now know it.  I wouldn't have believed I could survive.  I wouldn't have believed that it was possible to smile again or laugh.  I wouldn't have thought that I would ever be pregnant again, for the fear of miscarrying again.  It's amazing that I'm able to look back and finally see that this past year was all part of God's plan.

Even as I write it, it doesn't seem possible that I've come this realization!  While I still don't understand why Taylor was taken from us, I do understand that I learned a lot from our experience.  I know just how precious life is.  Also, I think our experience made me realize just how much I want to have children.

While I'm able to reflect on the last year, don't mistake my positive thoughts for complete healing.  I still have my bad days.  Some days I'd much rather crawl in a hole than continue on.  These bad days though are getting fewer and farther between.  I can't imagine that there will ever come a day when I don't think of Taylor and imagine what might have been.

Had to share! :)

There is a reason why angel babies come to us; 

they make us stronger,

they give us courage,

and they teach us unconditional love.

Sad time of year......

Lately, all I've been able to think about is the past.  I seem to 'flash' back to last year at this time.  I remember how happy we were, not knowing what was to come.  We had just found out we were pregnant and were bursting at the seams to share our news.  I think about how hard it was for me not to tell all of our family over Thanksgiving when we were all gathered together.  I think about our first doctor's appointment where our pregnancy was confirmed.  We were SO excited after that appointment that we shared our amazing news with my best friend and her husband that weekend.

In addition to remembering how ecstatic we were this time last year, I can't help but remember our lives being rocked by the horrible news.  I remember having to tell our parents in the same sentence that we were pregnant, but not for long. I remember hoping and praying for a miracle.....hoping and praying that our doctor was wrong. I remember receiving the results of our second ultrasound and the bleak days of waiting for something to happen.  

Looking back, I'm not sure how I survived.  I guess I was stronger then than I am now.  Everyday that I think about last year, my heart breaks.  It doesn't crack or splinter; it seems to break into a million pieces.

As I think about last year, I can't help but think of how our lives would be completley different if we hadn't lost Taylor.  Our sweet little boy (Since it was too early to tell a sex I'm not really sure, but I really think we lost a baby boy.) would have just turned 4 months old.  Instead of preparing a nursery for his little sister, we would be doting on him.  There would be Christmas presents under the tree for him, our house would be filled with baby things, our lives would be a lot crazier and our hearts filled with love.

I know it's odd to think of these things, especially when his little sister is safe and sound, kicking up a storm in my belly.  It's hard not to think about though.  Most people think that I'm over-attached since we lost Taylor at 10 weeks. The way I look at it, the first four weeks we had no idea and the last two weeks we were praying like crazy and mourning our loss.  That still leaves four whole weeks to fall in love, plan and dream about the future, and just in general be excited about a new life.  By the time we got the bad news, I had already planned his first birthday party in my head!

I think that only a mom can understand just how quickly you become attached to your little one  I guess that's why I still have a hard time swallowing our loss still.

I stumbled across this poem the other day and it really spoke to me.  I wanted to share:

A Mother's Christmas Wish

I guess if I could make just one Christmas wish, 
I would wish I could see you. 
To hold, to snuggle, to just kiss, 
This is something I'd really like to do. 

My arms ache for my baby boy, 
Who will always remain just that. 
To never grow and experience joy,
I wish I knew where you were at. 

Why is it God thought he needed you more than I,
And why is it wishes can't come true? 
I am just an aching heart who can only ask why, 
And a mother who can't let go of you. 

Please God grant me this one Christmas wish, 
If just for a minute, an hour or a day.
He is someone I really need & miss, 
What more must I say? 

Written By: Beckie/HeavensAngel

The Cloud

I saw this on Miscarriage & Loss's facebook page and just had to share it!  Somedays it really does seem as if a cloud just follows...........

The Cloud

I want to shake off this grey cloud,the one above my head every day,

I’ve tried but it won’t shift at all, I think it’s here to stay.

Sometimes I feel it move a little, away in the distance somewhere,

... But all too soon it’s back with its gloomy air of despair.

I’ve tried yelling at it but it will not go, it knows my heart has been broken I’m sure,

It sways a bit but will not leave, I am not who I was before.

My friends all say I’ve changed, well then it must be so,

I am not the same as I was, this is true I know.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, see these sad and lonely eyes,

I wouldn’t recognise me at all, this stranger in the mirror sighs.

I don’t recollect the person I see standing here,

With no make up on, no smile, face awash with tears.

Is this now the new me? The one I have become,

Since the heavens took my baby, to the land beyond the sun.

My cloud it has been there since my precious baby died,

Always to be a reminder of my loss, its presence so close by.

One day I hope this grey cloud will lessen and turn to white,

My sad, lost eyes learn to sparkle again, my grief become less tight.

Until then my cloud is always with me, my companion on these lonely days,

Sometimes I think my grey cloud is with me now to stay.

Baby Clothes

Last night, I started sorting through all the baby clothes that my sister in law saved for us.  They have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy) so we got a lot of clothing handed over!!!  It's so amazing that they make clothes that small and that babies fit in them!  They seem so darn small!!!

I'm always thinking about how different this time is with our baby girl than with Taylor.  Sorting through clothing seemed to be difficult.  Even though we lost Taylor at 10 weeks 2 days, I really just felt we were having a boy.  I couldn't be certain, so I picked a name for our little one that could work either way, but I just had a gut feeling Taylor was a boy.  

Girl's clothing is so adorable, so it was easy to sort through and imagine my little girl wearing that outfit someday.  But I also had to sort through boy's clothing.  I had a harder time with that.  I can't help but feel that if we hadn't of lost Taylor that my life would be filled with all things boy and the nursery would be decked out in camo. :)

I know a lot of Baby Loss Mommas struggle with their next pregnancy, but I sometimes wonder if all the comparing I do is normal.  Maybe it isn't, but it's my way of coping and remembering.  I don't always feel like people remember that we lost a baby.  My mom and I talk about it often and my friend Justine will ask, but not many people mention it to me.  I'm sure some don't mention it because of the awkwardness of the situation.

I've decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Taylor. I'm still trying to decide what I'm getting and where I'm putting it, but I've thought about 'Too beautiful for earth." with the date.  I've also thought about getting this and a date under.

I still have some time to think about it and decide exactly what I want since I'll have to wait until March to get one, but it's comforting knowing that I'll get one for my angel. 

24 Weeks

I traveled to Kearney yesterday for our 24 week appointment.  I got to do the fun glucose test.  It actually didn't turn out as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I've had lots of people tell me that I would have to choke the liquid down, but I lucked out and didn't think it was that bad.  They gave me the fruit punch drink (reminded me of Hi-C) and tipped me off to refrigerate it.  I had no problems getting it down.......but that wasn't the part that I was really worried about.  I was super worried that my blood sugar would be high. I figured that because everything had gone so smoothly, this was the one thing that would completely throw me off!  I was pleasantly surprised when my blood sugar came back completely normal, not even a little high!!!!

The rest of my appointment went really well.  Of course, any day where I get to listen to our little girls heartbeat is amazing!!!!  Her heart was going strong at 144 bpm.  I'm still measuring a week ahead, so we may have a Valentine's Day baby!!!!

Nursery Pics

I am in LOVE with the nursery! Even though it's only painted (there's no furniture in it yet), I love to just stand in there and think about the future!!!!!

Mitch & I in the nursery after we got done painting!!

Hubby working away! :)

Nursery Musings

Dear Taylor,

This past weekend, I finally decided that I needed to get something done with the nursery.  I had been putting it off because I was scared.  Scared that I would lose your little sister just like I lost you.  I really didn't want to lose her and come home to a decorated nursery.  In someway, I let myself think that if I didn't paint the nursery, I wouldn't be so attached........ Definitely not true! So on Thursday, I decided that the ugly office that should have been painted for you really needed to be painted for your little sister.  I worked on it for the last few days and I'm glad to say it's done!

I started painting and after about 5 minutes, I was absolutely enraged.  Like, shaking.  I don't know that I've been that mad for a very long time.  I was mad that I was having to do this. We should have painted your room a long time ago and you should be in there, not in heaven. Then I found myself in tears thinking about what would have been............You would have been right around the 3 month mark today.

Then I reminded myself that what would have been and what are aren't the same thing, even though I wish they were.  No matter how much hoping I do, it won't change the outcome.  Know that I love you and miss you very much and keep watching over your little sister!

Love always,

Mom

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Baby Reineke

It's so hard to explain our level of excitement!  Our ultrasound went much better than I expected.  Baby looks healthy, is growing well, and is moving around a lot!  The only thing about our appointment that worries me is that she's measuring a week ahead AND she's in the 90th percentile for size!  Our doctor estimated a 9lb baby at birth! That kinda scares me!!

Finding out that our little one is a girl was such a special moment!  I'm pretty sure my heart swelled with love.  Since our appointment, I can't stop looking at little pink clothes!  I've also picked up paint for the nursery and am just itching to start getting it ready for our little girl!  

Names are another thing completely!  Mitch & I had decided on a boy's name before our ultrasound but haven't been able to agree on a girl's name at all.  Everything he suggests just doesn't sound right to me and what I suggest he isn't fond of, so we're still in the brain-storming phase.  Hopefully we'll be able to agree on a few before our baby girl decides to arrive! 

Forever Changing

Our lives are always changing......After today, our lives will be changed in a major way.  We have our 20 week ultrasound today.  You know, the MAJOR ultrasound when the doctor checks to make sure your baby is developing properly, is growing like it should, is on the right track, and where you can find out the sex!!!

I've heard lots of people's opinions on whether we should find out or not (most of them against my will).  It amazes me that so many people will tell you their opinions and expect it to change your mind.  When we were pregnant with Taylor, Mitch wanted to find out the sex.......and I did not.  This time around, I want to know.  My reasoning is that if something were to happen, I want to have all the 'bonding' time that I can and I want to know my baby more.  I know that it sounds silly, but this time around I'm worried about these things.

I know that in a matter of a month, we could safely have our little one in a major hospital and things would be okay, but I'm still worried.  The people close to me get my reasoning, but everyone else just thinks we're crazy for wanting to find out.  'It's the most magical thing to give birth to your child and look down to see him/her'.  I've heard versions of that phrase for the last 2 months!

I say that finding out what you're having is a magical moment, whether it happens during your pregnancy or after birth.  Either way, it will be a day you remember forever!!  Right not, I'm just praying our little one isn't as stubborn as me and will actually let the doctor see!!!!!

Awaiting our Ultrasound!

On Wednesday, we have our 20-week ultrasound!!!  I'm so excited and nervous at the same time.  I can't believe we've made it to the 19 week mark and will soon find out if we're having a little boy or girl!! Yes, we're finding out.  I think everyone who knows we're pregnant has asked us if we're going to find out or not.

Everyone seems to have their own opinion as to whether people should find out or not.  I've been told that it's the most magical thing to find out right after birth.  My thoughts are that it's a special, magical time whether you find out during pregnancy or after birth.  Either way it changes your life.

I really want to find out because I'm a planner.  My sister-in-law has saved almost everything from her 3 kids to hand down to me, so we have boys & girls clothes, toys, bedding, etc.  I really want to be able to bring our little one home to a completed nursery and not have to put clothes in drawers when all I really want to do is get a 15 minute nap in.

The other reason I want to find out, is because I'm still nervous.  If something were to happen, I really want to be able to bond with our little one more.  It scares the crap out of me to even think about this option, but after the miscarriage I can't help but think about it.

Also, one of my friends from high school was 4-5 weeks ahead of me and she delivered.  It just made me think a little more.  Things look good so far for her little one since she was over 24 weeks along, but the possibility scares me.  It seems horrible, but while I'm prayer for her and her little one, I'm also praying that I don't EVER have to experience that.  It seems horrible to say, but I know that it's true.

I'm also nervous for our upcoming ultrasound because of all the medicine I took before I knew I was pregnant.  I'm hoping baby was not affected and development went normally.  I had my wisdom teeth out just right after we would have conceived and it makes me really nervous.  Our OB wasn't too worried, but that still doesn't stop me from worrying.

Our OB is out on maternity leave, so we actually have a different doctor for our ultrasound.  I'm not too nervous about that because Dr. Jurgenson assured us that he was the best for ultrasounds.  She actually told us we lucked out that she'd be gone!  She's had a few miscarriages, so she is sympathetic and understands all our worrying.  She said that if something is wrong, the doctor we have while she is out will be the best!

I guess that's all for the updating on all my worrying. :)

Frustrated

People just don't seem to get that losing a baby changes a person.  They don't understand that I view the entire world differently than I used too.  They don't understand why I'm a nervous wreck.  It truly amazes me that people can be so ignorant. That they can ask me questions about how many kids I have even though they know we lost a baby and know we're pregnant again.  It really just truly amazes me.

I know it's partially my fault that people close to me don't know how much I'm still hurting, how much I worry, and how much it annoys me that they ask me all these questions.  It's my fault because I don't tell them.  I'm too quiet and nice of a person to tell them that they've offended me.

For example, this past Christmas my relatives were asking me when Mitch & I were going to have kids.  This was 5 days after we got the horrible news that we were going to miscarry.  How did I not burst into tears or yell at people?!?  I have no idea how I did it, but I looked each and every person who asked me that question in the face and lied.  I told them, 'We just aren't ready for kids.  Maybe someday.'    What the hell was I thinking?  Why can't I just tell people what's on my mind instead of sugarcoating my thoughts as too not make the person I'm talking to uncomfortable?  Why can't I put me first??

I've decided that I need to be more honest with people.  If they're asking the question, they should be ready to process my answer.  I'm hoping that this will help.  I guess we'll see!

15 Weeks

15 Weeks.....It seems surreal!  I've been so nervous throughout this pregnancy and I don't know that I'll stop worrying, but as I typed '15 weeks' it made me realize that I didn't think we'd ever get to this point.  After losing Taylor in January the world just seemed mean and bleak.  Now I seem to have a completely different outlook.  I'm able to laugh without feeling guilty.  I'm able to really smile, instead of faking a smile.  It seems that life is looking up.

While it seems like life is looking up, I'm constantly just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  How did so many things go wrong in our lives 9 months ago and now it's smooth sailing.  I think that's why I've been procrastinating on cleaning out our office (future nursery).  I don't think I could face coming home to a completed nursery without a baby to put in it.

That's what I'm most scared of.  With Taylor, I didn't have anything to remind me of him/her.  Some days that really hurt, but the more I think about it maybe it was best.  I can't imagine having to pack up a nursery or decide what to do with that room.  At the moment, I have a bunch of totes of baby clothes that wouldn't be too hard to store and family members could come get if something happened.  But what would I do with a painted, decorated nursery filled with a crib, changing table, dresser, glider, baby clothes, baby toys, books, and decor????  I can't imagine having to look at that every day.  I had a hard enough time when we were painting our house, knowing that we should have been painting that room for Taylor, not an office space.

Mitch keeps reminding me that we have time.  We are only 15 weeks.  He keeps telling me, 'Not everything needs to be done right now!' Some people don't even start on the nursery until they're 30 weeks along.  Part of me wants to start now, because I'm excited for this new life.  The other part of me is cautious and doesn't want to get ahead of myself.

When we got the news about Taylor, it completely blind-sided us.  I guess I'm just waiting to see if we get blind-sided again.  I know that I shouldn't be SO cautious, but it's hard not to be.

"Our hearts still ache with sadness, 

And Secret tears still flow, 

Was it meant to lose you, 

No one can ever know." 

~author unknown

Our First OB Appt

Since we are headed down for our 12 week appointment today, I really thought I should give you a run down of our first appointment, 8 weeks!  We headed down to Kearney on July 13th, filled with hope and worry.  When we walked into the clinic I was surprised at how homey it felt!

 I was really expecting the worst.  Based on our last experience, I was expecting the nurses, staff, and our doctor to be just the same as last time - horrible.  I was pleasantly surprised.  We spent an hour with the nurse going over family history, general info, questions, etc and taking blood.  The next hour we spent with the doctor doing an ultrasound, asking questions, and getting to know her.  Get this - she is expecting AND has been through 3 miscarriages!!!  I couldn't have picked a better doctor if I had tried!  I just called and said "who would you go to?" She is perfect!

The only downside is that we will have to see a different doctor when she's on maternity leave, but their practice is set up so that you meet each doctor and have 2-3 appointments with each in case your doctor is not able to deliver you.  They do that so that you'll feel comfortable with the doctor on call if need be.  Also, many of the other doctors won't deliver if they're not on call, but unless she's out of town she always delivers her patients!! :)

So, our appointment was amazing.  Not only is our little one doing well, he or she had a heartbeat of 167.  Dr. Jorgensen said our chance of miscarriage was only 5% now that we've seen such a strong heartbeat!  So not only was I thrilled with the news that this pregnancy was going great, I was also thrilled that we've found such a wonderful place to go and such a wonderful doctor!

I'll leave you with my favorite part, an ultrasound picture!

7.31.11 - My Due Date

Mommy's Arms Are Empty

Today is the due date

For you to be born.

But all I have is

An emptiness to mourn.

This should have been the time

For the anticipation of your arrival.

But no one seems to be remembering

To share in my grief or sorrow.

You were a life

Created from love.

You were a gift

That was sent from above.

There isn't a day that goes by

When I haven't thought of you.

Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be

Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.

I know that you have gone

To a much better place.

Knowing that the grace of God

Is shining on your face.

I see another baby.

I think of you then, too.

Wondering what you'd have looked like

As you giggle, cry, and coo.

But I will never know these things

Because you will never be here.

But in my heart you'll always be

My baby, my angel, my dear.

It doesn't make it easier.

For the pain I have is still here.

I will never forget you, my little one.

That fact remains quite clear.

Taylor, 

Instead of holding you in my arms, getting ready to bring you home, or getting ready to go to the hospital, my arms are empty and my heart is aching.  It's been really tough.  I can't think of anything I've wanted more and anyone I've loved more.  Even though you were only with me for a short time, when I lost you I lost a part of me. You will always be a part of me and I will always feel like a part of me is missing. 


I think of you everyday and wonder what could have been.  It's been so hard seeing other pregnant women and little newborns, knowing that I'm missing out on that. I want so much to just know that you're okay.  In my heart, I know that God is taking care of you, but my mind just runs and worries.  


I can't wait to meet you, Taylor.  I imagine that you have your dad's eyes and laugh and my curly blonde hair.  Until then, please keep an eye on your little sister or brother.  Know that I miss and love you more than words can express. I love you always little one!


Love, 
Mommy

Getting close to my could-have-been due date.....

As July 31st gets closer, my wound seems to get just a little more salt rubbed in it.  I really thought my healing journey was going well, but the last couple days have been very hard. It's really hard to find a happy-medium between my joy for the new life growing inside of me and the sorrow I feel for my first pregnancy, Taylor.  It's hard to believe that if I hadn't had a miscarriage I would have been 38.5 weeks along now.  We would be welcoming a baby to our family very soon.  Instead, we're starting this whole process over!

It's really a bittersweet time in my life.  I'm missing one child horribly and praying that everything goes right with another.  Maybe it's my hormones, but it's been really hard. 

Everyday in some small way 
Memories of you come our way. 
Though absent, you are always near 
Still missed, loved and always dear.

Love and miss you Taylor!

First Appointment is Quickly Approaching

I can't believe how fast this last 3 1/2 weeks have flown by! In a measly two days we get to see our little bean by ultrasound!!!  While I'm very excited for our first appointment, I'm also very worried.  I'm worried about things being the same as the last time around.  As positive as I've been the past 4 weeks, I still have lots of doubt.  I know that it can happen again and that scares me.

I did wake up feeling very relieved and assured the other day though.  I had the oddest dream that brought me some peace internally.  (I know this is going to sound super weird, but pregnancy dreams often are!)  I had gone to the doctor (for what I'm not really sure).  She was listening to my heart with her stethoscope and for some odd reason moved it down to my stomach.  She said she could hear a heartbeat going strong at 152!  I started bawling and was so very excited!!! Then I woke up.

I've been praying that my appointment leaves me in happy tears like the appointment in my dream did!!

Our little bean

Our little bean was 6 weeks yesterday!  I've been feeling really horrible the last few days, but have been so excited because I think it's a good sign!  I've heard that having horrible morning sickness means that baby is growing well!!  Earlier I was praying for morning sickness.  Now I'm praying that God will just help me through the day and help me see this as a blessing!  Don't get me wrong, I'm very excited to feel nauseous all day long, but it's really not much fun.

In two weeks we have our first appointment!  I'm really hoping that it goes well.  I'm so hopeful and doubtful at the same time.  I don't know how I'm going to deal with having another ultrasound.  I guess I'm just praying that this time goes better than last.

We spent the weekend at my best friend & husbands house down in Louisville this past weekend.  She was asking me how I was feeling and how I was dealing with this emotionally.  The best way that I can describe it is that I'm trying not to get too attached.  When I say it out loud it just sounds stupid!  I know that even thought I'm trying to not, I'm still very attached. I would be devastated if we lost this baby also. I think that I'm trying to prepare myself for the possibility.  I hate to think that it might happen again, but I know that it can and that absolutely scares me.

I guess until our appointment, I will just have to spend a lot of time in prayer!!

Telling our Families!

Yesterday, we told our families that we are expecting.  We decided what better way to share our news than to tell our fathers that they were going to be grandfathers!  We gave them a father's day card from 'Baby Reineke' stating that he/she would see them in February!


We had a tough time trying to decide whether or not to tell people.  I was all for telling people early so if a similar situation happens this time around we at least got to have our families be happy for us.  Also, I imagine it's easier to tell people something is wrong and we're going to miscarry if they actually know we're pregnant.  Last time, I told my mom in tears that I was pregnant and losing the baby all in the same breath.  I really wanted to do it differently this time around.  Mitch wasn't so sure we should tell our families until after our first appointment, but after I told him my reasons for wanting to tell them earlier rather than later, he understood and agreed.


Yesterday was such a happy day!  Our house was filled with family, so much so that it was almost crowded!  It was great to have our families get together also.  I don't know that our parents have really been at the same place since we got married two years ago!  Our fathers spent the entire afternoon talking farming and our mothers spent the first part of the afternoon helping me in the kitchen and the other half telling me pregnancy stories (not all of which sound like much fun)!!


While I know that it's still extremely early in my pregnancy, I can't help but be filled with hope and joy.  I'm still very nervous and cautious, but until I think something is wrong I'm going to be more happy than worried.  I can't help but compare this pregnancy to my last.  It's all so different.  My 'symptoms' are completely different.  I've also heard that morning sickness is a good sign, so I've been praying to be puking my guts out! I have to pray out loud (it just seems odd to me to say a prayer in my head) and Mitch laughs every time he hears me ask God to make me sick for the next 8 months!!


So, if you're reading this, prayers are appreciated!!!

Rainbow

A rainbow baby is what us baby loss mamas call a baby due after a loss because after every storm comes a rainbow.

Everytime I see a rainbow, I can't help but smile.  When I was a little girl, my dad taught me to wish on rainbows.  There was no sense wishing on a star, but a rainbow was something magical.  Only now, do I truly understand that.  Since we lost Taylor in January, my life has been one big, continuos storm.  Yesterday, God sent me a rainbow. 

We've been trying for the last four months and after last month when my body 'reset' itself, I was really hoping that something would happen.  I kept wishing for a rainbow. And yesterday morning, I got one.
Yesterday morning I decided to test a couple days early.  After the last four months of early testing and negative results, I expected the same.  When that positive showed up, all I could do was stare at it!  I was so surprised!  I called Mitch right away, even though he was at work and he sounded just as surprised as I was!  I really wish I would have thought about some cute way to surprise him, but it's just second nature to share everything with him.

We are expecting our rainbow baby in February.  Even though it's still really early, we decided to tell our families this weekend.  What better way to announce a grandchild than to do it on Father's Day?!?  We had a tough time trying to decide when to tell people.  With Taylor, it was so painful to tell people we were losing a baby when they didn't even know we were pregnant.  We decided we really want our family to know early, so that if something does happen we at least got to share our good news with them. 

So, if your reading this, please don't share our secret with the world just yet!  I had to share our joy with someone even if it meant just putting it in writing!!!

Mixed Feelings

My last post was all about how I was not going to think/worry/fret about getting pregnant......but that's so hard to do! I've been thinking more and more about it since it's closer to the time when we find out if we are or aren't.  As the day gets closer, I seem to think about it more.  I'm beginning to wonder if I'll ever be able to stop thinking about getting pregnant!!

It's very frustrating to try again after a loss.  If we had tried this long the first time around, I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been anxious, nervous, or frustrated.  I would have expected it!  But the second time around is harder.  I want to be pregnant so badly, but I'm really worried about being pregnant.  I know that once I'm pregnant I'll worry all the time.  I'm so scared of having another miscarriage.

Sorry for venting!  I just really need to remember God has a plan!

Letting Go

I've been so completely obsessed with getting pregnant since our miscarriage that I have forgotten just exactly who I am and what else I want.  This past weekend, Mitch was a groomsman in a friends wedding, so we made the trip out to support our friends as they entered into marriage.  What a wonderful weekend!!!  I had so much fun!

This weekend, I was able to just get a break from worrying about becoming pregnant and just relax, hang with friends, and be myself!  Not the self that I'm used to being.  Not the worried, crying mess of a woman that I usually am.  I was able to be the self that I was before this whole nightmare happened.  It was great and refreshing to get back to 'normal' even if it was just for a weekend!

This weekend:

• I got to spend lots of time with my hubby!!! Since Mitch started his new job, time for us has been little to none.  Don't get me wrong, we spend time together but it seems to be time doing projects or time when Mitch is so tired he falls asleep on the couch.  I wasn't excited for the 5 hour drive, but it gave us lots of time to talk and just be with each other.  We didn't have any projects, work, or the business stuff to do.  It was wonderful!!!!

• I got drunk.  I haven't done that for a long time.  When we decided to start trying, I gave up alcohol.  This weekend I decided there was no reason to not drink until we find out we're pregnant. 

• I had 'girl-time'.  Another groomsman and his wife are mutual friends, so while the wedding party was doing stuff, the wife & I got to catch up!  We have hung out a few times since we live in the same town, but since our lives have been so chaotic lately it was really nice to catch up!  

• I decided to let nature take it's course.  We've been so worried about becoming pregnant, that I feel like the rest of our lives are hurting!  When you concentrate on one thing and one thing only, it seems to consume you and your life.  I had decided to start charting and ordered ovulation kits so that we could be right on top of trying.  I decided that we were going a little overboard and obsessing TOO MUCH and that it would be best to just keep living instead of obsessing.  So no more charting for me.  It'll happen when it happens.  (I've also heard that most people get pregnant when they stop trying so hard.)  If it happened before, it'll happen again.  We weren't expecting it the first time, so maybe no expectations work for us!

All in all it was a great weekend!  I'm also starting to feel more like myself.  I think I'm beginning to focus on the miscarriage less and more on life.  I still feel like something is missing and have horrible days where I'd like to just crawl in a hole and never come out, but  those days are getting less and less and the good days are happening more frequently.  I know that someday I'll be able to look back and smile.  I'll be happy that God blessed us with a child even if only in womb and only for a short while.  One day...........

Another set-back

In my last post, I was headed to the doctor's office to see what exactly was going on.  They did a urine test and a blood test.....My HGC levels were zero.  She sent me home with a 'wait and see' and 'give me a call next week if nothing's happened'.  My miscarriage waiting period came to mind.  I knew that it wasn't going to be the same, but the last five months have been filled with waiting.

Waiting to:

• See if next week's ultrasound would show a heartbeat.
• Miscarry.  Those were very long, agonizing days.
• Start trying to get pregnant again. 
• See what that month's pregnancy test said.  (Always hoping and praying for a positive.)
• Waiting to try again next month when the test said negative.
• 
  

I've really had enough waiting......I should be used to it I guess, but it's SO frustrating.  I really just want to be pregnant, to go to a doctor's appointment and hear the heartbeat.  I really just want to have some pure joy in my life again.

When we found out we were pregnant back in November, we were floating on the clouds until the doctor popped our balloon.  I want that again.  We were blissfully happy and unaware what cruel joke God was going to play on us.   I don't want another cruel joke, I just want to be happy. We were happy we were pregnant.  We were happy with each other. Really, until the doctor delivered the bad news, nothing got us down.  These days, we seem to just exist.......We're not not happy, but we're really not happy either. We're kind of just balancing on the line.  

I did get my period (a week and three days late) and called the doctor to see what the next step was.  I'm just waiting again.  We'll see what my cycle looks like this month.  We'll see if it's normal or if it's on the fritz again.  How's that going to help us while we're trying to get pregnant.  God only knows when I'm actually ovulating.  My solution is to start charting basal temps and see where that gets us.  Too bad it takes three months to actually see a pattern.  This waiting thing may continue for some time. I suppose I really need to stop waiting for us to get pregnant and enjoy the time for us as a couple.  I'm sure after we have a family, we'll be pining for it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joyous day.....For me it was like a knife in my heart, reminding me of what I don't have.  Everyone is celebrating the mother's in their life, and I seemed to get left out.  I had three people tell me 'Happy Mother's Day!' even though lots of people know of our miscarriage.  My mom told me, my husband told me, and a sweet old lady at church told me.  My mom gave me this poem which I found to be very fitting:

Happy Mothers Day to you,

and may peace fill your heart

as you and your sweet baby spend

this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you

on this Mothers Day

for you have seen your hopes and dreams

softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you

you deserve nothing less

for you have borne the burden

of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses

or daisies in chubby hands

but all I can offer to you

is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow

when things turn out this way

but we share a special bond

on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend

may it bring some joy to you

for you have loved that special way

that only mothers do.

On a different note, we've been trying to conceive.  As of today, my period is 5 days late and all 5 pregnancy tests I've taken have been negative.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see what's up!  I'm trying not to get excited and I know the odds aren't good that I'm pregnant, but I'm still hoping! :)  We'll just have to see what God blesses us with today!!

Everyone's Pregnant......Except Me

If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that afterwards news of other pregnancies can send you into sad panic.  How come EVERYONE is pregnant when I'm not?!?  When I say everyone, I'm sure it's not but it sure seems like it.  I know people get pregnant all the time, not just when you lose a baby.  But it sure seems like everyone from my home town is pregnant NOW.

While I'm excited for the expectant parents, it just reminds me of what we don't have......
                                    of what we want so very much.

Things have been a little harder since we found out one of my best friends is expecting.  She got pregnant right after we had our miscarriage.   While we're so excited for them and their new addition, we're constantly reminded of their joy, while we're still going through a 'dark' period.  She's been amazing through this entire situation.  She's listened to me bawl my eyes out when the doctor gave us the news, she's given me encouraging words for the past four months, she's been the person that I can say anything too.  Since she's gotten pregnant, though,  I've found it really hard to talk to her.  I find myself extremely jealous of her......She has a little one, safe - sound - and healthy, while I have an empty womb.  She's been great and won't talk about the baby unless I ask her about it, but whether we talk about it or not, we both still know she's pregnant and I'm not.

That said,  I know that one day we'll be able to openly talk like we once did.  I just need to continue healing for that day to become a reality.

Surprise Party!

Yesterday my siblings and I threw my parents a surprise 25th Anniversary Party!  We had such a great turnout and were so pleased with the party.  We had great food, great friends, and were celebrating a great love! 

I only had one problem yesterday (I have this problem any time we have an event to go to).  When my brothers and I started talking about throwing a party, I was pregnant.  I had been online looking at maternity dresses, and only because Mitch told me I had too many clothes already and thought I should wait until I started to show, I didn't order any.  It's a good thing I didn't order any, because that would make getting dressed even harder.  Who wants to walk into their closet and see this beautiful maternity dress hanging up to remind them of what they no longer have????  I still think about it all the time, even without a dress or two hanging up to remind me.

It seems that all I can think about is how far I would have been now......25 weeks.....How cute would I have looked yesterday, my big belly and all........It's so hard thinking about it all.  I was super excited to be pregnant. Heck, even the thought of morning sickness excited me when we first found out.  I didn't experience morning sickness, but was still excited at the thought.  Now, instead of being 5 months pregnant we're back to trying to become pregnant.  That in itself is a whole new challenge.

People who have actually had to try, month after month, know what I'm talking about a little bit.  With Taylor, we weren't even expecting to get pregnant for a while.  We were trying, but had heard all of these horror stories about trying for years, so we really didn't figure it would happen the second month!!!  This time is extremely different.  Last time around, our main concern was being able to get pregnant.  We had talked a lot about the possibility of in-vitro, adoption and all the other topics if we weren't able to have children.  Never once did it cross our minds that we could lose/miscarry a child.  This time around, we're both very emotional.

We are:

• Nervous. About miscarrying again and also the possibility of not being able to get pregnant.....
• Cautious.  Again, what happens if we miscarry again....
• Hopeful. We're just really hoping and praying for the best.
• Excited. Who tries to get pregnant without being excited?
• Grateful.  This one is a little hard most days, but we're grateful for what God has blessed us with.  

We're just hoping and praying at this point.  We can't wait to see what our future holds!

Rush of Emotion

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? 
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. 
I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

I've read this poem a million times since I miscarried and haven't been able to make it through without crying.  When I read this poem, it all rings true.  How can I be a mother if I don't have a baby? People can't see from the outside that I'm a mother.  I'm not carrying an infant in my arms.  I'm not glowingly pregnant. I'm the mother of an angel.  There are no outward signs other than my puffy eyes and tear stains on my shirt.

My favorite part of this poem is "My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here".     I know that it seems impossible to love a baby that I was only carrying for a short while, but if you've been pregnant you know what I'm talking about.  We were trying to get pregnant when we conceived, so it wasn't a surprise.  We took a test right away and knew for certain at four weeks.  We didn't miscarry until 10 weeks and 1 day, so we had 6 whole weeks to get used to the idea and fall in love with our little one.  We found out 13 days before we miscarried that it was not looking good.  We had gone in to get an ultrasound picture taken so that we could surprise our parents and tell them we were expecting in a Christmas present.  At that appointment our life turned upside down and our excitement turned into dread.  Our doctor scheduled us for another ultrasound in 10 days.  She was hoping that we had gotten pregnant later than we thought and it was just too soon to see a heartbeat.  

Those next 10 days were hell.  We were torn between hoping for the best and preparing for the bad.  Mitch's attitude was completely positive for the next 10 days while my attitude depended on the day and on which article I had read about our chances.  In 10 days, our worst fear was confirmed.  We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum (a sac had formed, but for genetic reasons a baby never formed) on December 30th.  I was sent home to miscarry on my own. I wasn't given any options at all.  That may be the part of my care that upsets me the most.  I can't say that I would have chosen to take a pill or have a D&C, but I still feel I should have had the option. I miscarried right after New Year's day, on Jan 2nd in the morning. That day seems like it was yesterday.  I can remember almost everything about that day.  

These past few months after the miscarriage have been difficult, extremely difficult.  Not a day passes that I don't think of what could have been.  For instance, today I would have been 24 weeks along.  It's so hard to get through the day without crying for my angel baby and for myself.  As each day ends and another begins, I am reminded of my strength in the past months.  I'm starting to function a little better each day and I actually talked about our angel baby, Taylor, to someone the other day without bursting into tears.  For me that is a major feat!  

I just remind myself that I only have to take one day at a time.

  Someday maybe I'll be able to take on more..........