The Cloud

I saw this on Miscarriage & Loss's facebook page and just had to share it!  Somedays it really does seem as if a cloud just follows...........

The Cloud

I want to shake off this grey cloud,the one above my head every day,

I’ve tried but it won’t shift at all, I think it’s here to stay.

Sometimes I feel it move a little, away in the distance somewhere,

... But all too soon it’s back with its gloomy air of despair.

I’ve tried yelling at it but it will not go, it knows my heart has been broken I’m sure,

It sways a bit but will not leave, I am not who I was before.

My friends all say I’ve changed, well then it must be so,

I am not the same as I was, this is true I know.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, see these sad and lonely eyes,

I wouldn’t recognise me at all, this stranger in the mirror sighs.

I don’t recollect the person I see standing here,

With no make up on, no smile, face awash with tears.

Is this now the new me? The one I have become,

Since the heavens took my baby, to the land beyond the sun.

My cloud it has been there since my precious baby died,

Always to be a reminder of my loss, its presence so close by.

One day I hope this grey cloud will lessen and turn to white,

My sad, lost eyes learn to sparkle again, my grief become less tight.

Until then my cloud is always with me, my companion on these lonely days,

Sometimes I think my grey cloud is with me now to stay.

Baby Clothes

Last night, I started sorting through all the baby clothes that my sister in law saved for us.  They have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy) so we got a lot of clothing handed over!!!  It's so amazing that they make clothes that small and that babies fit in them!  They seem so darn small!!!

I'm always thinking about how different this time is with our baby girl than with Taylor.  Sorting through clothing seemed to be difficult.  Even though we lost Taylor at 10 weeks 2 days, I really just felt we were having a boy.  I couldn't be certain, so I picked a name for our little one that could work either way, but I just had a gut feeling Taylor was a boy.  

Girl's clothing is so adorable, so it was easy to sort through and imagine my little girl wearing that outfit someday.  But I also had to sort through boy's clothing.  I had a harder time with that.  I can't help but feel that if we hadn't of lost Taylor that my life would be filled with all things boy and the nursery would be decked out in camo. :)

I know a lot of Baby Loss Mommas struggle with their next pregnancy, but I sometimes wonder if all the comparing I do is normal.  Maybe it isn't, but it's my way of coping and remembering.  I don't always feel like people remember that we lost a baby.  My mom and I talk about it often and my friend Justine will ask, but not many people mention it to me.  I'm sure some don't mention it because of the awkwardness of the situation.

I've decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Taylor. I'm still trying to decide what I'm getting and where I'm putting it, but I've thought about 'Too beautiful for earth." with the date.  I've also thought about getting this and a date under.

I still have some time to think about it and decide exactly what I want since I'll have to wait until March to get one, but it's comforting knowing that I'll get one for my angel. 

24 Weeks

I traveled to Kearney yesterday for our 24 week appointment.  I got to do the fun glucose test.  It actually didn't turn out as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I've had lots of people tell me that I would have to choke the liquid down, but I lucked out and didn't think it was that bad.  They gave me the fruit punch drink (reminded me of Hi-C) and tipped me off to refrigerate it.  I had no problems getting it down.......but that wasn't the part that I was really worried about.  I was super worried that my blood sugar would be high. I figured that because everything had gone so smoothly, this was the one thing that would completely throw me off!  I was pleasantly surprised when my blood sugar came back completely normal, not even a little high!!!!

The rest of my appointment went really well.  Of course, any day where I get to listen to our little girls heartbeat is amazing!!!!  Her heart was going strong at 144 bpm.  I'm still measuring a week ahead, so we may have a Valentine's Day baby!!!!

Nursery Pics

I am in LOVE with the nursery! Even though it's only painted (there's no furniture in it yet), I love to just stand in there and think about the future!!!!!

Mitch & I in the nursery after we got done painting!!

Hubby working away! :)