If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that afterwards news of other pregnancies can send you into sad panic. How come EVERYONE is pregnant when I'm not?!? When I say everyone, I'm sure it's not but it sure seems like it. I know people get pregnant all the time, not just when you lose a baby. But it sure seems like everyone from my home town is pregnant NOW.
While I'm excited for the expectant parents, it just reminds me of what we don't have......
of what we want so very much.
Things have been a little harder since we found out one of my best friends is expecting. She got pregnant right after we had our miscarriage. While we're so excited for them and their new addition, we're constantly reminded of their joy, while we're still going through a 'dark' period. She's been amazing through this entire situation. She's listened to me bawl my eyes out when the doctor gave us the news, she's given me encouraging words for the past four months, she's been the person that I can say anything too. Since she's gotten pregnant, though, I've found it really hard to talk to her. I find myself extremely jealous of her......She has a little one, safe - sound - and healthy, while I have an empty womb. She's been great and won't talk about the baby unless I ask her about it, but whether we talk about it or not, we both still know she's pregnant and I'm not.
That said, I know that one day we'll be able to openly talk like we once did. I just need to continue healing for that day to become a reality.
Lilypie Angel and Memorial tickers
Monday, April 25, 2011
Monday, April 18, 2011
Surprise Party!
Yesterday my siblings and I threw my parents a surprise 25th Anniversary Party! We had such a great turnout and were so pleased with the party. We had great food, great friends, and were celebrating a great love!
I only had one problem yesterday (I have this problem any time we have an event to go to). When my brothers and I started talking about throwing a party, I was pregnant. I had been online looking at maternity dresses, and only because Mitch told me I had too many clothes already and thought I should wait until I started to show, I didn't order any. It's a good thing I didn't order any, because that would make getting dressed even harder. Who wants to walk into their closet and see this beautiful maternity dress hanging up to remind them of what they no longer have???? I still think about it all the time, even without a dress or two hanging up to remind me.
It seems that all I can think about is how far I would have been now......25 weeks.....How cute would I have looked yesterday, my big belly and all........It's so hard thinking about it all. I was super excited to be pregnant. Heck, even the thought of morning sickness excited me when we first found out. I didn't experience morning sickness, but was still excited at the thought. Now, instead of being 5 months pregnant we're back to trying to become pregnant. That in itself is a whole new challenge.
People who have actually had to try, month after month, know what I'm talking about a little bit. With Taylor, we weren't even expecting to get pregnant for a while. We were trying, but had heard all of these horror stories about trying for years, so we really didn't figure it would happen the second month!!! This time is extremely different. Last time around, our main concern was being able to get pregnant. We had talked a lot about the possibility of in-vitro, adoption and all the other topics if we weren't able to have children. Never once did it cross our minds that we could lose/miscarry a child. This time around, we're both very emotional.
We are:
I only had one problem yesterday (I have this problem any time we have an event to go to). When my brothers and I started talking about throwing a party, I was pregnant. I had been online looking at maternity dresses, and only because Mitch told me I had too many clothes already and thought I should wait until I started to show, I didn't order any. It's a good thing I didn't order any, because that would make getting dressed even harder. Who wants to walk into their closet and see this beautiful maternity dress hanging up to remind them of what they no longer have???? I still think about it all the time, even without a dress or two hanging up to remind me.
It seems that all I can think about is how far I would have been now......25 weeks.....How cute would I have looked yesterday, my big belly and all........It's so hard thinking about it all. I was super excited to be pregnant. Heck, even the thought of morning sickness excited me when we first found out. I didn't experience morning sickness, but was still excited at the thought. Now, instead of being 5 months pregnant we're back to trying to become pregnant. That in itself is a whole new challenge.
People who have actually had to try, month after month, know what I'm talking about a little bit. With Taylor, we weren't even expecting to get pregnant for a while. We were trying, but had heard all of these horror stories about trying for years, so we really didn't figure it would happen the second month!!! This time is extremely different. Last time around, our main concern was being able to get pregnant. We had talked a lot about the possibility of in-vitro, adoption and all the other topics if we weren't able to have children. Never once did it cross our minds that we could lose/miscarry a child. This time around, we're both very emotional.
We are:
- Nervous. About miscarrying again and also the possibility of not being able to get pregnant.....
- Cautious. Again, what happens if we miscarry again....
- Hopeful. We're just really hoping and praying for the best.
- Excited. Who tries to get pregnant without being excited?
- Grateful. This one is a little hard most days, but we're grateful for what God has blessed us with.
We're just hoping and praying at this point. We can't wait to see what our future holds!
Tuesday, April 12, 2011
Rush of Emotion
I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you?
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.
I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown
I've read this poem a million times since I miscarried and haven't been able to make it through without crying. When I read this poem, it all rings true. How can I be a mother if I don't have a baby? People can't see from the outside that I'm a mother. I'm not carrying an infant in my arms. I'm not glowingly pregnant. I'm the mother of an angel. There are no outward signs other than my puffy eyes and tear stains on my shirt.
My favorite part of this poem is "My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here". I know that it seems impossible to love a baby that I was only carrying for a short while, but if you've been pregnant you know what I'm talking about. We were trying to get pregnant when we conceived, so it wasn't a surprise. We took a test right away and knew for certain at four weeks. We didn't miscarry until 10 weeks and 1 day, so we had 6 whole weeks to get used to the idea and fall in love with our little one. We found out 13 days before we miscarried that it was not looking good. We had gone in to get an ultrasound picture taken so that we could surprise our parents and tell them we were expecting in a Christmas present. At that appointment our life turned upside down and our excitement turned into dread. Our doctor scheduled us for another ultrasound in 10 days. She was hoping that we had gotten pregnant later than we thought and it was just too soon to see a heartbeat.
Those next 10 days were hell. We were torn between hoping for the best and preparing for the bad. Mitch's attitude was completely positive for the next 10 days while my attitude depended on the day and on which article I had read about our chances. In 10 days, our worst fear was confirmed. We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum (a sac had formed, but for genetic reasons a baby never formed) on December 30th. I was sent home to miscarry on my own. I wasn't given any options at all. That may be the part of my care that upsets me the most. I can't say that I would have chosen to take a pill or have a D&C, but I still feel I should have had the option. I miscarried right after New Year's day, on Jan 2nd in the morning. That day seems like it was yesterday. I can remember almost everything about that day.
These past few months after the miscarriage have been difficult, extremely difficult. Not a day passes that I don't think of what could have been. For instance, today I would have been 24 weeks along. It's so hard to get through the day without crying for my angel baby and for myself. As each day ends and another begins, I am reminded of my strength in the past months. I'm starting to function a little better each day and I actually talked about our angel baby, Taylor, to someone the other day without bursting into tears. For me that is a major feat!
I just remind myself that I only have to take one day at a time.
Someday maybe I'll be able to take on more..........
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