People just don't seem to get that losing a baby changes a person. They don't understand that I view the entire world differently than I used too. They don't understand why I'm a nervous wreck. It truly amazes me that people can be so ignorant. That they can ask me questions about how many kids I have even though they know we lost a baby and know we're pregnant again. It really just truly amazes me.
I know it's partially my fault that people close to me don't know how much I'm still hurting, how much I worry, and how much it annoys me that they ask me all these questions. It's my fault because I don't tell them. I'm too quiet and nice of a person to tell them that they've offended me.
For example, this past Christmas my relatives were asking me when Mitch & I were going to have kids. This was 5 days after we got the horrible news that we were going to miscarry. How did I not burst into tears or yell at people?!? I have no idea how I did it, but I looked each and every person who asked me that question in the face and lied. I told them, 'We just aren't ready for kids. Maybe someday.' What the hell was I thinking? Why can't I just tell people what's on my mind instead of sugarcoating my thoughts as too not make the person I'm talking to uncomfortable? Why can't I put me first??
I've decided that I need to be more honest with people. If they're asking the question, they should be ready to process my answer. I'm hoping that this will help. I guess we'll see!
