Letting Go

I've been so completely obsessed with getting pregnant since our miscarriage that I have forgotten just exactly who I am and what else I want.  This past weekend, Mitch was a groomsman in a friends wedding, so we made the trip out to support our friends as they entered into marriage.  What a wonderful weekend!!!  I had so much fun!

This weekend, I was able to just get a break from worrying about becoming pregnant and just relax, hang with friends, and be myself!  Not the self that I'm used to being.  Not the worried, crying mess of a woman that I usually am.  I was able to be the self that I was before this whole nightmare happened.  It was great and refreshing to get back to 'normal' even if it was just for a weekend!

This weekend:

• I got to spend lots of time with my hubby!!! Since Mitch started his new job, time for us has been little to none.  Don't get me wrong, we spend time together but it seems to be time doing projects or time when Mitch is so tired he falls asleep on the couch.  I wasn't excited for the 5 hour drive, but it gave us lots of time to talk and just be with each other.  We didn't have any projects, work, or the business stuff to do.  It was wonderful!!!!

• I got drunk.  I haven't done that for a long time.  When we decided to start trying, I gave up alcohol.  This weekend I decided there was no reason to not drink until we find out we're pregnant. 

• I had 'girl-time'.  Another groomsman and his wife are mutual friends, so while the wedding party was doing stuff, the wife & I got to catch up!  We have hung out a few times since we live in the same town, but since our lives have been so chaotic lately it was really nice to catch up!  

• I decided to let nature take it's course.  We've been so worried about becoming pregnant, that I feel like the rest of our lives are hurting!  When you concentrate on one thing and one thing only, it seems to consume you and your life.  I had decided to start charting and ordered ovulation kits so that we could be right on top of trying.  I decided that we were going a little overboard and obsessing TOO MUCH and that it would be best to just keep living instead of obsessing.  So no more charting for me.  It'll happen when it happens.  (I've also heard that most people get pregnant when they stop trying so hard.)  If it happened before, it'll happen again.  We weren't expecting it the first time, so maybe no expectations work for us!

All in all it was a great weekend!  I'm also starting to feel more like myself.  I think I'm beginning to focus on the miscarriage less and more on life.  I still feel like something is missing and have horrible days where I'd like to just crawl in a hole and never come out, but  those days are getting less and less and the good days are happening more frequently.  I know that someday I'll be able to look back and smile.  I'll be happy that God blessed us with a child even if only in womb and only for a short while.  One day...........

Another set-back

In my last post, I was headed to the doctor's office to see what exactly was going on.  They did a urine test and a blood test.....My HGC levels were zero.  She sent me home with a 'wait and see' and 'give me a call next week if nothing's happened'.  My miscarriage waiting period came to mind.  I knew that it wasn't going to be the same, but the last five months have been filled with waiting.

Waiting to:

• See if next week's ultrasound would show a heartbeat.
• Miscarry.  Those were very long, agonizing days.
• Start trying to get pregnant again. 
• See what that month's pregnancy test said.  (Always hoping and praying for a positive.)
• Waiting to try again next month when the test said negative.
• 
  

I've really had enough waiting......I should be used to it I guess, but it's SO frustrating.  I really just want to be pregnant, to go to a doctor's appointment and hear the heartbeat.  I really just want to have some pure joy in my life again.

When we found out we were pregnant back in November, we were floating on the clouds until the doctor popped our balloon.  I want that again.  We were blissfully happy and unaware what cruel joke God was going to play on us.   I don't want another cruel joke, I just want to be happy. We were happy we were pregnant.  We were happy with each other. Really, until the doctor delivered the bad news, nothing got us down.  These days, we seem to just exist.......We're not not happy, but we're really not happy either. We're kind of just balancing on the line.  

I did get my period (a week and three days late) and called the doctor to see what the next step was.  I'm just waiting again.  We'll see what my cycle looks like this month.  We'll see if it's normal or if it's on the fritz again.  How's that going to help us while we're trying to get pregnant.  God only knows when I'm actually ovulating.  My solution is to start charting basal temps and see where that gets us.  Too bad it takes three months to actually see a pattern.  This waiting thing may continue for some time. I suppose I really need to stop waiting for us to get pregnant and enjoy the time for us as a couple.  I'm sure after we have a family, we'll be pining for it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joyous day.....For me it was like a knife in my heart, reminding me of what I don't have.  Everyone is celebrating the mother's in their life, and I seemed to get left out.  I had three people tell me 'Happy Mother's Day!' even though lots of people know of our miscarriage.  My mom told me, my husband told me, and a sweet old lady at church told me.  My mom gave me this poem which I found to be very fitting:

Happy Mothers Day to you,

and may peace fill your heart

as you and your sweet baby spend

this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you

on this Mothers Day

for you have seen your hopes and dreams

softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you

you deserve nothing less

for you have borne the burden

of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses

or daisies in chubby hands

but all I can offer to you

is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow

when things turn out this way

but we share a special bond

on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend

may it bring some joy to you

for you have loved that special way

that only mothers do.

On a different note, we've been trying to conceive.  As of today, my period is 5 days late and all 5 pregnancy tests I've taken have been negative.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see what's up!  I'm trying not to get excited and I know the odds aren't good that I'm pregnant, but I'm still hoping! :)  We'll just have to see what God blesses us with today!!