Missing out??

As we approach my due date, I find myself thinking about what I would be doing now if things had happened like I wanted them too.  Right now, I'm sure I'd be busy planning a first birthday party and putting invitations in the mail.

I'm conflicted inside.  Part of me misses Taylor and thinks about what would have been.  The other part of me knows that we were blessed with Kaitlyn because we lost Taylor.  It seems like an impossible situation to be in.  I feel like if I'm missing Taylor, I'm wishing Kaitlyn wasn't here. On the other hand, if I'm giving all my attention to Kaitlyn, I'm feeling like I'm forgetting that we lost Taylor.  Some days are easier to handle, but today is one of those overwhelming days.

I'm lost.  That's what it boils down to.  I feel like I'm on a road and instead of it forking into two, it forks into a circle....I just keep going to circles inside.   I haven't been able to be at peace with my loss and I haven't been able to be at peace with our child.

I'm sure one day, I'll look back and realize this was all part of God's plan for me.  I know that my struggles bring me closer to Him, but at the moment I really wish I wasn't struggling with this.

A life worth remembering and celebrating...no matter how short.