Letting Go

I've been so completely obsessed with getting pregnant since our miscarriage that I have forgotten just exactly who I am and what else I want.  This past weekend, Mitch was a groomsman in a friends wedding, so we made the trip out to support our friends as they entered into marriage.  What a wonderful weekend!!!  I had so much fun!

This weekend, I was able to just get a break from worrying about becoming pregnant and just relax, hang with friends, and be myself!  Not the self that I'm used to being.  Not the worried, crying mess of a woman that I usually am.  I was able to be the self that I was before this whole nightmare happened.  It was great and refreshing to get back to 'normal' even if it was just for a weekend!

This weekend:

• I got to spend lots of time with my hubby!!! Since Mitch started his new job, time for us has been little to none.  Don't get me wrong, we spend time together but it seems to be time doing projects or time when Mitch is so tired he falls asleep on the couch.  I wasn't excited for the 5 hour drive, but it gave us lots of time to talk and just be with each other.  We didn't have any projects, work, or the business stuff to do.  It was wonderful!!!!

• I got drunk.  I haven't done that for a long time.  When we decided to start trying, I gave up alcohol.  This weekend I decided there was no reason to not drink until we find out we're pregnant. 

• I had 'girl-time'.  Another groomsman and his wife are mutual friends, so while the wedding party was doing stuff, the wife & I got to catch up!  We have hung out a few times since we live in the same town, but since our lives have been so chaotic lately it was really nice to catch up!  

• I decided to let nature take it's course.  We've been so worried about becoming pregnant, that I feel like the rest of our lives are hurting!  When you concentrate on one thing and one thing only, it seems to consume you and your life.  I had decided to start charting and ordered ovulation kits so that we could be right on top of trying.  I decided that we were going a little overboard and obsessing TOO MUCH and that it would be best to just keep living instead of obsessing.  So no more charting for me.  It'll happen when it happens.  (I've also heard that most people get pregnant when they stop trying so hard.)  If it happened before, it'll happen again.  We weren't expecting it the first time, so maybe no expectations work for us!

All in all it was a great weekend!  I'm also starting to feel more like myself.  I think I'm beginning to focus on the miscarriage less and more on life.  I still feel like something is missing and have horrible days where I'd like to just crawl in a hole and never come out, but  those days are getting less and less and the good days are happening more frequently.  I know that someday I'll be able to look back and smile.  I'll be happy that God blessed us with a child even if only in womb and only for a short while.  One day...........

Another set-back

In my last post, I was headed to the doctor's office to see what exactly was going on.  They did a urine test and a blood test.....My HGC levels were zero.  She sent me home with a 'wait and see' and 'give me a call next week if nothing's happened'.  My miscarriage waiting period came to mind.  I knew that it wasn't going to be the same, but the last five months have been filled with waiting.

Waiting to:

• See if next week's ultrasound would show a heartbeat.
• Miscarry.  Those were very long, agonizing days.
• Start trying to get pregnant again. 
• See what that month's pregnancy test said.  (Always hoping and praying for a positive.)
• Waiting to try again next month when the test said negative.
• 
  

I've really had enough waiting......I should be used to it I guess, but it's SO frustrating.  I really just want to be pregnant, to go to a doctor's appointment and hear the heartbeat.  I really just want to have some pure joy in my life again.

When we found out we were pregnant back in November, we were floating on the clouds until the doctor popped our balloon.  I want that again.  We were blissfully happy and unaware what cruel joke God was going to play on us.   I don't want another cruel joke, I just want to be happy. We were happy we were pregnant.  We were happy with each other. Really, until the doctor delivered the bad news, nothing got us down.  These days, we seem to just exist.......We're not not happy, but we're really not happy either. We're kind of just balancing on the line.  

I did get my period (a week and three days late) and called the doctor to see what the next step was.  I'm just waiting again.  We'll see what my cycle looks like this month.  We'll see if it's normal or if it's on the fritz again.  How's that going to help us while we're trying to get pregnant.  God only knows when I'm actually ovulating.  My solution is to start charting basal temps and see where that gets us.  Too bad it takes three months to actually see a pattern.  This waiting thing may continue for some time. I suppose I really need to stop waiting for us to get pregnant and enjoy the time for us as a couple.  I'm sure after we have a family, we'll be pining for it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joyous day.....For me it was like a knife in my heart, reminding me of what I don't have.  Everyone is celebrating the mother's in their life, and I seemed to get left out.  I had three people tell me 'Happy Mother's Day!' even though lots of people know of our miscarriage.  My mom told me, my husband told me, and a sweet old lady at church told me.  My mom gave me this poem which I found to be very fitting:

Happy Mothers Day to you,

and may peace fill your heart

as you and your sweet baby spend

this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you

on this Mothers Day

for you have seen your hopes and dreams

softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you

you deserve nothing less

for you have borne the burden

of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses

or daisies in chubby hands

but all I can offer to you

is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow

when things turn out this way

but we share a special bond

on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend

may it bring some joy to you

for you have loved that special way

that only mothers do.

On a different note, we've been trying to conceive.  As of today, my period is 5 days late and all 5 pregnancy tests I've taken have been negative.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see what's up!  I'm trying not to get excited and I know the odds aren't good that I'm pregnant, but I'm still hoping! :)  We'll just have to see what God blesses us with today!!

Everyone's Pregnant......Except Me

If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that afterwards news of other pregnancies can send you into sad panic.  How come EVERYONE is pregnant when I'm not?!?  When I say everyone, I'm sure it's not but it sure seems like it.  I know people get pregnant all the time, not just when you lose a baby.  But it sure seems like everyone from my home town is pregnant NOW.

While I'm excited for the expectant parents, it just reminds me of what we don't have......
                                    of what we want so very much.

Things have been a little harder since we found out one of my best friends is expecting.  She got pregnant right after we had our miscarriage.   While we're so excited for them and their new addition, we're constantly reminded of their joy, while we're still going through a 'dark' period.  She's been amazing through this entire situation.  She's listened to me bawl my eyes out when the doctor gave us the news, she's given me encouraging words for the past four months, she's been the person that I can say anything too.  Since she's gotten pregnant, though,  I've found it really hard to talk to her.  I find myself extremely jealous of her......She has a little one, safe - sound - and healthy, while I have an empty womb.  She's been great and won't talk about the baby unless I ask her about it, but whether we talk about it or not, we both still know she's pregnant and I'm not.

That said,  I know that one day we'll be able to openly talk like we once did.  I just need to continue healing for that day to become a reality.

Surprise Party!

Yesterday my siblings and I threw my parents a surprise 25th Anniversary Party!  We had such a great turnout and were so pleased with the party.  We had great food, great friends, and were celebrating a great love! 

I only had one problem yesterday (I have this problem any time we have an event to go to).  When my brothers and I started talking about throwing a party, I was pregnant.  I had been online looking at maternity dresses, and only because Mitch told me I had too many clothes already and thought I should wait until I started to show, I didn't order any.  It's a good thing I didn't order any, because that would make getting dressed even harder.  Who wants to walk into their closet and see this beautiful maternity dress hanging up to remind them of what they no longer have????  I still think about it all the time, even without a dress or two hanging up to remind me.

It seems that all I can think about is how far I would have been now......25 weeks.....How cute would I have looked yesterday, my big belly and all........It's so hard thinking about it all.  I was super excited to be pregnant. Heck, even the thought of morning sickness excited me when we first found out.  I didn't experience morning sickness, but was still excited at the thought.  Now, instead of being 5 months pregnant we're back to trying to become pregnant.  That in itself is a whole new challenge.

People who have actually had to try, month after month, know what I'm talking about a little bit.  With Taylor, we weren't even expecting to get pregnant for a while.  We were trying, but had heard all of these horror stories about trying for years, so we really didn't figure it would happen the second month!!!  This time is extremely different.  Last time around, our main concern was being able to get pregnant.  We had talked a lot about the possibility of in-vitro, adoption and all the other topics if we weren't able to have children.  Never once did it cross our minds that we could lose/miscarry a child.  This time around, we're both very emotional.

We are:

• Nervous. About miscarrying again and also the possibility of not being able to get pregnant.....
• Cautious.  Again, what happens if we miscarry again....
• Hopeful. We're just really hoping and praying for the best.
• Excited. Who tries to get pregnant without being excited?
• Grateful.  This one is a little hard most days, but we're grateful for what God has blessed us with.  

We're just hoping and praying at this point.  We can't wait to see what our future holds!

Rush of Emotion

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? 
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. 
I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

I've read this poem a million times since I miscarried and haven't been able to make it through without crying.  When I read this poem, it all rings true.  How can I be a mother if I don't have a baby? People can't see from the outside that I'm a mother.  I'm not carrying an infant in my arms.  I'm not glowingly pregnant. I'm the mother of an angel.  There are no outward signs other than my puffy eyes and tear stains on my shirt.

My favorite part of this poem is "My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here".     I know that it seems impossible to love a baby that I was only carrying for a short while, but if you've been pregnant you know what I'm talking about.  We were trying to get pregnant when we conceived, so it wasn't a surprise.  We took a test right away and knew for certain at four weeks.  We didn't miscarry until 10 weeks and 1 day, so we had 6 whole weeks to get used to the idea and fall in love with our little one.  We found out 13 days before we miscarried that it was not looking good.  We had gone in to get an ultrasound picture taken so that we could surprise our parents and tell them we were expecting in a Christmas present.  At that appointment our life turned upside down and our excitement turned into dread.  Our doctor scheduled us for another ultrasound in 10 days.  She was hoping that we had gotten pregnant later than we thought and it was just too soon to see a heartbeat.  

Those next 10 days were hell.  We were torn between hoping for the best and preparing for the bad.  Mitch's attitude was completely positive for the next 10 days while my attitude depended on the day and on which article I had read about our chances.  In 10 days, our worst fear was confirmed.  We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum (a sac had formed, but for genetic reasons a baby never formed) on December 30th.  I was sent home to miscarry on my own. I wasn't given any options at all.  That may be the part of my care that upsets me the most.  I can't say that I would have chosen to take a pill or have a D&C, but I still feel I should have had the option. I miscarried right after New Year's day, on Jan 2nd in the morning. That day seems like it was yesterday.  I can remember almost everything about that day.  

These past few months after the miscarriage have been difficult, extremely difficult.  Not a day passes that I don't think of what could have been.  For instance, today I would have been 24 weeks along.  It's so hard to get through the day without crying for my angel baby and for myself.  As each day ends and another begins, I am reminded of my strength in the past months.  I'm starting to function a little better each day and I actually talked about our angel baby, Taylor, to someone the other day without bursting into tears.  For me that is a major feat!  

I just remind myself that I only have to take one day at a time.

  Someday maybe I'll be able to take on more..........