Awaiting our Ultrasound!

On Wednesday, we have our 20-week ultrasound!!!  I'm so excited and nervous at the same time.  I can't believe we've made it to the 19 week mark and will soon find out if we're having a little boy or girl!! Yes, we're finding out.  I think everyone who knows we're pregnant has asked us if we're going to find out or not.

Everyone seems to have their own opinion as to whether people should find out or not.  I've been told that it's the most magical thing to find out right after birth.  My thoughts are that it's a special, magical time whether you find out during pregnancy or after birth.  Either way it changes your life.

I really want to find out because I'm a planner.  My sister-in-law has saved almost everything from her 3 kids to hand down to me, so we have boys & girls clothes, toys, bedding, etc.  I really want to be able to bring our little one home to a completed nursery and not have to put clothes in drawers when all I really want to do is get a 15 minute nap in.

The other reason I want to find out, is because I'm still nervous.  If something were to happen, I really want to be able to bond with our little one more.  It scares the crap out of me to even think about this option, but after the miscarriage I can't help but think about it.

Also, one of my friends from high school was 4-5 weeks ahead of me and she delivered.  It just made me think a little more.  Things look good so far for her little one since she was over 24 weeks along, but the possibility scares me.  It seems horrible, but while I'm prayer for her and her little one, I'm also praying that I don't EVER have to experience that.  It seems horrible to say, but I know that it's true.

I'm also nervous for our upcoming ultrasound because of all the medicine I took before I knew I was pregnant.  I'm hoping baby was not affected and development went normally.  I had my wisdom teeth out just right after we would have conceived and it makes me really nervous.  Our OB wasn't too worried, but that still doesn't stop me from worrying.

Our OB is out on maternity leave, so we actually have a different doctor for our ultrasound.  I'm not too nervous about that because Dr. Jurgenson assured us that he was the best for ultrasounds.  She actually told us we lucked out that she'd be gone!  She's had a few miscarriages, so she is sympathetic and understands all our worrying.  She said that if something is wrong, the doctor we have while she is out will be the best!

I guess that's all for the updating on all my worrying. :)

Frustrated

People just don't seem to get that losing a baby changes a person.  They don't understand that I view the entire world differently than I used too.  They don't understand why I'm a nervous wreck.  It truly amazes me that people can be so ignorant. That they can ask me questions about how many kids I have even though they know we lost a baby and know we're pregnant again.  It really just truly amazes me.

I know it's partially my fault that people close to me don't know how much I'm still hurting, how much I worry, and how much it annoys me that they ask me all these questions.  It's my fault because I don't tell them.  I'm too quiet and nice of a person to tell them that they've offended me.

For example, this past Christmas my relatives were asking me when Mitch & I were going to have kids.  This was 5 days after we got the horrible news that we were going to miscarry.  How did I not burst into tears or yell at people?!?  I have no idea how I did it, but I looked each and every person who asked me that question in the face and lied.  I told them, 'We just aren't ready for kids.  Maybe someday.'    What the hell was I thinking?  Why can't I just tell people what's on my mind instead of sugarcoating my thoughts as too not make the person I'm talking to uncomfortable?  Why can't I put me first??

I've decided that I need to be more honest with people.  If they're asking the question, they should be ready to process my answer.  I'm hoping that this will help.  I guess we'll see!

15 Weeks

15 Weeks.....It seems surreal!  I've been so nervous throughout this pregnancy and I don't know that I'll stop worrying, but as I typed '15 weeks' it made me realize that I didn't think we'd ever get to this point.  After losing Taylor in January the world just seemed mean and bleak.  Now I seem to have a completely different outlook.  I'm able to laugh without feeling guilty.  I'm able to really smile, instead of faking a smile.  It seems that life is looking up.

While it seems like life is looking up, I'm constantly just waiting for the other shoe to drop.  How did so many things go wrong in our lives 9 months ago and now it's smooth sailing.  I think that's why I've been procrastinating on cleaning out our office (future nursery).  I don't think I could face coming home to a completed nursery without a baby to put in it.

That's what I'm most scared of.  With Taylor, I didn't have anything to remind me of him/her.  Some days that really hurt, but the more I think about it maybe it was best.  I can't imagine having to pack up a nursery or decide what to do with that room.  At the moment, I have a bunch of totes of baby clothes that wouldn't be too hard to store and family members could come get if something happened.  But what would I do with a painted, decorated nursery filled with a crib, changing table, dresser, glider, baby clothes, baby toys, books, and decor????  I can't imagine having to look at that every day.  I had a hard enough time when we were painting our house, knowing that we should have been painting that room for Taylor, not an office space.

Mitch keeps reminding me that we have time.  We are only 15 weeks.  He keeps telling me, 'Not everything needs to be done right now!' Some people don't even start on the nursery until they're 30 weeks along.  Part of me wants to start now, because I'm excited for this new life.  The other part of me is cautious and doesn't want to get ahead of myself.

When we got the news about Taylor, it completely blind-sided us.  I guess I'm just waiting to see if we get blind-sided again.  I know that I shouldn't be SO cautious, but it's hard not to be.

"Our hearts still ache with sadness, 

And Secret tears still flow, 

Was it meant to lose you, 

No one can ever know." 

~author unknown

Our First OB Appt

Since we are headed down for our 12 week appointment today, I really thought I should give you a run down of our first appointment, 8 weeks!  We headed down to Kearney on July 13th, filled with hope and worry.  When we walked into the clinic I was surprised at how homey it felt!

 I was really expecting the worst.  Based on our last experience, I was expecting the nurses, staff, and our doctor to be just the same as last time - horrible.  I was pleasantly surprised.  We spent an hour with the nurse going over family history, general info, questions, etc and taking blood.  The next hour we spent with the doctor doing an ultrasound, asking questions, and getting to know her.  Get this - she is expecting AND has been through 3 miscarriages!!!  I couldn't have picked a better doctor if I had tried!  I just called and said "who would you go to?" She is perfect!

The only downside is that we will have to see a different doctor when she's on maternity leave, but their practice is set up so that you meet each doctor and have 2-3 appointments with each in case your doctor is not able to deliver you.  They do that so that you'll feel comfortable with the doctor on call if need be.  Also, many of the other doctors won't deliver if they're not on call, but unless she's out of town she always delivers her patients!! :)

So, our appointment was amazing.  Not only is our little one doing well, he or she had a heartbeat of 167.  Dr. Jorgensen said our chance of miscarriage was only 5% now that we've seen such a strong heartbeat!  So not only was I thrilled with the news that this pregnancy was going great, I was also thrilled that we've found such a wonderful place to go and such a wonderful doctor!

I'll leave you with my favorite part, an ultrasound picture!

7.31.11 - My Due Date

Mommy's Arms Are Empty

Today is the due date

For you to be born.

But all I have is

An emptiness to mourn.

This should have been the time

For the anticipation of your arrival.

But no one seems to be remembering

To share in my grief or sorrow.

You were a life

Created from love.

You were a gift

That was sent from above.

There isn't a day that goes by

When I haven't thought of you.

Calculating how far along my pregnancy would be

Or how big my tummy would be getting, too.

I know that you have gone

To a much better place.

Knowing that the grace of God

Is shining on your face.

I see another baby.

I think of you then, too.

Wondering what you'd have looked like

As you giggle, cry, and coo.

But I will never know these things

Because you will never be here.

But in my heart you'll always be

My baby, my angel, my dear.

It doesn't make it easier.

For the pain I have is still here.

I will never forget you, my little one.

That fact remains quite clear.

Taylor, 

Instead of holding you in my arms, getting ready to bring you home, or getting ready to go to the hospital, my arms are empty and my heart is aching.  It's been really tough.  I can't think of anything I've wanted more and anyone I've loved more.  Even though you were only with me for a short time, when I lost you I lost a part of me. You will always be a part of me and I will always feel like a part of me is missing. 


I think of you everyday and wonder what could have been.  It's been so hard seeing other pregnant women and little newborns, knowing that I'm missing out on that. I want so much to just know that you're okay.  In my heart, I know that God is taking care of you, but my mind just runs and worries.  


I can't wait to meet you, Taylor.  I imagine that you have your dad's eyes and laugh and my curly blonde hair.  Until then, please keep an eye on your little sister or brother.  Know that I miss and love you more than words can express. I love you always little one!


Love, 
Mommy

Getting close to my could-have-been due date.....

As July 31st gets closer, my wound seems to get just a little more salt rubbed in it.  I really thought my healing journey was going well, but the last couple days have been very hard. It's really hard to find a happy-medium between my joy for the new life growing inside of me and the sorrow I feel for my first pregnancy, Taylor.  It's hard to believe that if I hadn't had a miscarriage I would have been 38.5 weeks along now.  We would be welcoming a baby to our family very soon.  Instead, we're starting this whole process over!

It's really a bittersweet time in my life.  I'm missing one child horribly and praying that everything goes right with another.  Maybe it's my hormones, but it's been really hard. 

Everyday in some small way 
Memories of you come our way. 
Though absent, you are always near 
Still missed, loved and always dear.

Love and miss you Taylor!

First Appointment is Quickly Approaching

I can't believe how fast this last 3 1/2 weeks have flown by! In a measly two days we get to see our little bean by ultrasound!!!  While I'm very excited for our first appointment, I'm also very worried.  I'm worried about things being the same as the last time around.  As positive as I've been the past 4 weeks, I still have lots of doubt.  I know that it can happen again and that scares me.

I did wake up feeling very relieved and assured the other day though.  I had the oddest dream that brought me some peace internally.  (I know this is going to sound super weird, but pregnancy dreams often are!)  I had gone to the doctor (for what I'm not really sure).  She was listening to my heart with her stethoscope and for some odd reason moved it down to my stomach.  She said she could hear a heartbeat going strong at 152!  I started bawling and was so very excited!!! Then I woke up.

I've been praying that my appointment leaves me in happy tears like the appointment in my dream did!!