Missing out??

As we approach my due date, I find myself thinking about what I would be doing now if things had happened like I wanted them too.  Right now, I'm sure I'd be busy planning a first birthday party and putting invitations in the mail.

I'm conflicted inside.  Part of me misses Taylor and thinks about what would have been.  The other part of me knows that we were blessed with Kaitlyn because we lost Taylor.  It seems like an impossible situation to be in.  I feel like if I'm missing Taylor, I'm wishing Kaitlyn wasn't here. On the other hand, if I'm giving all my attention to Kaitlyn, I'm feeling like I'm forgetting that we lost Taylor.  Some days are easier to handle, but today is one of those overwhelming days.

I'm lost.  That's what it boils down to.  I feel like I'm on a road and instead of it forking into two, it forks into a circle....I just keep going to circles inside.   I haven't been able to be at peace with my loss and I haven't been able to be at peace with our child.

I'm sure one day, I'll look back and realize this was all part of God's plan for me.  I know that my struggles bring me closer to Him, but at the moment I really wish I wasn't struggling with this.

A life worth remembering and celebrating...no matter how short.

Update

Wow, where has time gone!  It's been forever since I posted.....maybe because it's been a big adjustment!  Nothing could have prepared me for life with a newborn! It's amazing that someone can take over your life so completely.

Since Kaitlyn's arrival I've learned:

• That the amount of love you can feel for one person is amazing!  I love my husband, but I've never felt such a deep, unconditional love like this before. 
• Sleep is over-rated! I got a total of 7 hours of sleep in the 3 days we were in the hospital......I was to excited about our little girl! I've adjusted to lots less sleep, and haven't had too many sleep-deprived breakdowns!
• Not all newborns wake up every 2 hours.....Along with the last point, we've been blessed with a good sleeper!  Not having to get up every 2-3 hours at night is wonderful! I expected to have to. 
• Breastfeeding is hard and classes can't prepare you for what to expect!  Kaitlyn was tongue-tied so even with a perfect latch and doing everything right, things still weren't working. Thank goodness for pediatric dentists!

In the past month, our lives have changed drastically!  I can't imagine life without our precious little girl. Before, all I could think about was Taylor and how we were missing something.  The realization of having Kaitlyn in our lives hit me the other day.....She wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost Taylor. It was a hard pill to swallow when it hit me, but I've finally been able to see that God did have a plan for us, and Kaitlyn was it. 

Another set-back

In my last post, I was headed to the doctor's office to see what exactly was going on.  They did a urine test and a blood test.....My HGC levels were zero.  She sent me home with a 'wait and see' and 'give me a call next week if nothing's happened'.  My miscarriage waiting period came to mind.  I knew that it wasn't going to be the same, but the last five months have been filled with waiting.

Waiting to:

• See if next week's ultrasound would show a heartbeat.
• Miscarry.  Those were very long, agonizing days.
• Start trying to get pregnant again. 
• See what that month's pregnancy test said.  (Always hoping and praying for a positive.)
• Waiting to try again next month when the test said negative.
• 
  

I've really had enough waiting......I should be used to it I guess, but it's SO frustrating.  I really just want to be pregnant, to go to a doctor's appointment and hear the heartbeat.  I really just want to have some pure joy in my life again.

When we found out we were pregnant back in November, we were floating on the clouds until the doctor popped our balloon.  I want that again.  We were blissfully happy and unaware what cruel joke God was going to play on us.   I don't want another cruel joke, I just want to be happy. We were happy we were pregnant.  We were happy with each other. Really, until the doctor delivered the bad news, nothing got us down.  These days, we seem to just exist.......We're not not happy, but we're really not happy either. We're kind of just balancing on the line.  

I did get my period (a week and three days late) and called the doctor to see what the next step was.  I'm just waiting again.  We'll see what my cycle looks like this month.  We'll see if it's normal or if it's on the fritz again.  How's that going to help us while we're trying to get pregnant.  God only knows when I'm actually ovulating.  My solution is to start charting basal temps and see where that gets us.  Too bad it takes three months to actually see a pattern.  This waiting thing may continue for some time. I suppose I really need to stop waiting for us to get pregnant and enjoy the time for us as a couple.  I'm sure after we have a family, we'll be pining for it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joyous day.....For me it was like a knife in my heart, reminding me of what I don't have.  Everyone is celebrating the mother's in their life, and I seemed to get left out.  I had three people tell me 'Happy Mother's Day!' even though lots of people know of our miscarriage.  My mom told me, my husband told me, and a sweet old lady at church told me.  My mom gave me this poem which I found to be very fitting:

Happy Mothers Day to you,

and may peace fill your heart

as you and your sweet baby spend

this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you

on this Mothers Day

for you have seen your hopes and dreams

softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you

you deserve nothing less

for you have borne the burden

of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses

or daisies in chubby hands

but all I can offer to you

is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow

when things turn out this way

but we share a special bond

on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend

may it bring some joy to you

for you have loved that special way

that only mothers do.

On a different note, we've been trying to conceive.  As of today, my period is 5 days late and all 5 pregnancy tests I've taken have been negative.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see what's up!  I'm trying not to get excited and I know the odds aren't good that I'm pregnant, but I'm still hoping! :)  We'll just have to see what God blesses us with today!!

Everyone's Pregnant......Except Me

If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that afterwards news of other pregnancies can send you into sad panic.  How come EVERYONE is pregnant when I'm not?!?  When I say everyone, I'm sure it's not but it sure seems like it.  I know people get pregnant all the time, not just when you lose a baby.  But it sure seems like everyone from my home town is pregnant NOW.

While I'm excited for the expectant parents, it just reminds me of what we don't have......
                                    of what we want so very much.

Things have been a little harder since we found out one of my best friends is expecting.  She got pregnant right after we had our miscarriage.   While we're so excited for them and their new addition, we're constantly reminded of their joy, while we're still going through a 'dark' period.  She's been amazing through this entire situation.  She's listened to me bawl my eyes out when the doctor gave us the news, she's given me encouraging words for the past four months, she's been the person that I can say anything too.  Since she's gotten pregnant, though,  I've found it really hard to talk to her.  I find myself extremely jealous of her......She has a little one, safe - sound - and healthy, while I have an empty womb.  She's been great and won't talk about the baby unless I ask her about it, but whether we talk about it or not, we both still know she's pregnant and I'm not.

That said,  I know that one day we'll be able to openly talk like we once did.  I just need to continue healing for that day to become a reality.

Surprise Party!

Yesterday my siblings and I threw my parents a surprise 25th Anniversary Party!  We had such a great turnout and were so pleased with the party.  We had great food, great friends, and were celebrating a great love! 

I only had one problem yesterday (I have this problem any time we have an event to go to).  When my brothers and I started talking about throwing a party, I was pregnant.  I had been online looking at maternity dresses, and only because Mitch told me I had too many clothes already and thought I should wait until I started to show, I didn't order any.  It's a good thing I didn't order any, because that would make getting dressed even harder.  Who wants to walk into their closet and see this beautiful maternity dress hanging up to remind them of what they no longer have????  I still think about it all the time, even without a dress or two hanging up to remind me.

It seems that all I can think about is how far I would have been now......25 weeks.....How cute would I have looked yesterday, my big belly and all........It's so hard thinking about it all.  I was super excited to be pregnant. Heck, even the thought of morning sickness excited me when we first found out.  I didn't experience morning sickness, but was still excited at the thought.  Now, instead of being 5 months pregnant we're back to trying to become pregnant.  That in itself is a whole new challenge.

People who have actually had to try, month after month, know what I'm talking about a little bit.  With Taylor, we weren't even expecting to get pregnant for a while.  We were trying, but had heard all of these horror stories about trying for years, so we really didn't figure it would happen the second month!!!  This time is extremely different.  Last time around, our main concern was being able to get pregnant.  We had talked a lot about the possibility of in-vitro, adoption and all the other topics if we weren't able to have children.  Never once did it cross our minds that we could lose/miscarry a child.  This time around, we're both very emotional.

We are:

• Nervous. About miscarrying again and also the possibility of not being able to get pregnant.....
• Cautious.  Again, what happens if we miscarry again....
• Hopeful. We're just really hoping and praying for the best.
• Excited. Who tries to get pregnant without being excited?
• Grateful.  This one is a little hard most days, but we're grateful for what God has blessed us with.  

We're just hoping and praying at this point.  We can't wait to see what our future holds!