Memorial Tattoo

I've finally decided on a tattoo and placing!  I'm very excited to get it! It's been a little over a year since my due date, and I'm hoping to get it done soon.

I'm going to get this design in light blue on my left wrist. 

I carry you within my heart

as I will never carry you in my arms.

For every step of my life

and when God calls me home,

I will see you, and know my baby.

5 Months

At 5 months, Kaitlyn:

• Is starting to teeth.  Her little gums are swollen, she's a little cranky, and chews on everything all day long. 
• Has been sucking on her bottom lip...she looks exactly like the little baby on the show 'Dinosaurs'. 
• Is talking and squealing more and more. 
• Laughs when you tickle her, make a funny face, or 'drop' her.  She loves being scared!!!
• Is wearing 6-9 month and 12 month clothing.  She outgrows everything SO fast!!!
• Rolls over like a champ. She spends more time on her tummy than her back.  She now loves tummy time. 
• Is sitting up more.  She sits up in her bath and in chairs. She's still working on sitting well on a flat surface. 
• Eats 3 meals a day.  She has rice cereal and fruit for breakfast (3-4oz of food), rice cereal for lunch(3oz), and oatmeal and a vegetable for supper(4oz).  Her favorite food so far is bananas. 
• Also gets 30 ounces of milk a day.  She nurses in the morning, gets a 10am bottle, nurses at 12pm, bottle at 2:30, and nurses at 7pm before bed. 
• Loves to walk!  We hold her hands and she loves to walk all over the house...usually trying to chase the dog.....poor Buster!
• Scoots around in her car.  She only scoots backwards at the moment!
• LOVES the water!!!  She's gonna be our little fish! Hubby better get to digging out a spot for a swimming pool in the backyard!
• Has a budding personality.  She's starting to let us know what she wants and why!

She makes the funniest faces. 

LOVE her laugh!!!

She loves books, especially the ones she can chew on!

Missing out??

As we approach my due date, I find myself thinking about what I would be doing now if things had happened like I wanted them too.  Right now, I'm sure I'd be busy planning a first birthday party and putting invitations in the mail.

I'm conflicted inside.  Part of me misses Taylor and thinks about what would have been.  The other part of me knows that we were blessed with Kaitlyn because we lost Taylor.  It seems like an impossible situation to be in.  I feel like if I'm missing Taylor, I'm wishing Kaitlyn wasn't here. On the other hand, if I'm giving all my attention to Kaitlyn, I'm feeling like I'm forgetting that we lost Taylor.  Some days are easier to handle, but today is one of those overwhelming days.

I'm lost.  That's what it boils down to.  I feel like I'm on a road and instead of it forking into two, it forks into a circle....I just keep going to circles inside.   I haven't been able to be at peace with my loss and I haven't been able to be at peace with our child.

I'm sure one day, I'll look back and realize this was all part of God's plan for me.  I know that my struggles bring me closer to Him, but at the moment I really wish I wasn't struggling with this.

A life worth remembering and celebrating...no matter how short.

Update

Wow, where has time gone!  It's been forever since I posted.....maybe because it's been a big adjustment!  Nothing could have prepared me for life with a newborn! It's amazing that someone can take over your life so completely.

Since Kaitlyn's arrival I've learned:

• That the amount of love you can feel for one person is amazing!  I love my husband, but I've never felt such a deep, unconditional love like this before. 
• Sleep is over-rated! I got a total of 7 hours of sleep in the 3 days we were in the hospital......I was to excited about our little girl! I've adjusted to lots less sleep, and haven't had too many sleep-deprived breakdowns!
• Not all newborns wake up every 2 hours.....Along with the last point, we've been blessed with a good sleeper!  Not having to get up every 2-3 hours at night is wonderful! I expected to have to. 
• Breastfeeding is hard and classes can't prepare you for what to expect!  Kaitlyn was tongue-tied so even with a perfect latch and doing everything right, things still weren't working. Thank goodness for pediatric dentists!

In the past month, our lives have changed drastically!  I can't imagine life without our precious little girl. Before, all I could think about was Taylor and how we were missing something.  The realization of having Kaitlyn in our lives hit me the other day.....She wouldn't be here if we hadn't lost Taylor. It was a hard pill to swallow when it hit me, but I've finally been able to see that God did have a plan for us, and Kaitlyn was it. 

Baby Clothes

Last night, I started sorting through all the baby clothes that my sister in law saved for us.  They have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy) so we got a lot of clothing handed over!!!  It's so amazing that they make clothes that small and that babies fit in them!  They seem so darn small!!!

I'm always thinking about how different this time is with our baby girl than with Taylor.  Sorting through clothing seemed to be difficult.  Even though we lost Taylor at 10 weeks 2 days, I really just felt we were having a boy.  I couldn't be certain, so I picked a name for our little one that could work either way, but I just had a gut feeling Taylor was a boy.  

Girl's clothing is so adorable, so it was easy to sort through and imagine my little girl wearing that outfit someday.  But I also had to sort through boy's clothing.  I had a harder time with that.  I can't help but feel that if we hadn't of lost Taylor that my life would be filled with all things boy and the nursery would be decked out in camo. :)

I know a lot of Baby Loss Mommas struggle with their next pregnancy, but I sometimes wonder if all the comparing I do is normal.  Maybe it isn't, but it's my way of coping and remembering.  I don't always feel like people remember that we lost a baby.  My mom and I talk about it often and my friend Justine will ask, but not many people mention it to me.  I'm sure some don't mention it because of the awkwardness of the situation.

I've decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Taylor. I'm still trying to decide what I'm getting and where I'm putting it, but I've thought about 'Too beautiful for earth." with the date.  I've also thought about getting this and a date under.

I still have some time to think about it and decide exactly what I want since I'll have to wait until March to get one, but it's comforting knowing that I'll get one for my angel. 

Another set-back

In my last post, I was headed to the doctor's office to see what exactly was going on.  They did a urine test and a blood test.....My HGC levels were zero.  She sent me home with a 'wait and see' and 'give me a call next week if nothing's happened'.  My miscarriage waiting period came to mind.  I knew that it wasn't going to be the same, but the last five months have been filled with waiting.

Waiting to:

• See if next week's ultrasound would show a heartbeat.
• Miscarry.  Those were very long, agonizing days.
• Start trying to get pregnant again. 
• See what that month's pregnancy test said.  (Always hoping and praying for a positive.)
• Waiting to try again next month when the test said negative.
• 
  

I've really had enough waiting......I should be used to it I guess, but it's SO frustrating.  I really just want to be pregnant, to go to a doctor's appointment and hear the heartbeat.  I really just want to have some pure joy in my life again.

When we found out we were pregnant back in November, we were floating on the clouds until the doctor popped our balloon.  I want that again.  We were blissfully happy and unaware what cruel joke God was going to play on us.   I don't want another cruel joke, I just want to be happy. We were happy we were pregnant.  We were happy with each other. Really, until the doctor delivered the bad news, nothing got us down.  These days, we seem to just exist.......We're not not happy, but we're really not happy either. We're kind of just balancing on the line.  

I did get my period (a week and three days late) and called the doctor to see what the next step was.  I'm just waiting again.  We'll see what my cycle looks like this month.  We'll see if it's normal or if it's on the fritz again.  How's that going to help us while we're trying to get pregnant.  God only knows when I'm actually ovulating.  My solution is to start charting basal temps and see where that gets us.  Too bad it takes three months to actually see a pattern.  This waiting thing may continue for some time. I suppose I really need to stop waiting for us to get pregnant and enjoy the time for us as a couple.  I'm sure after we have a family, we'll be pining for it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell

Mother's Day

Mother's Day is supposed to be a joyous day.....For me it was like a knife in my heart, reminding me of what I don't have.  Everyone is celebrating the mother's in their life, and I seemed to get left out.  I had three people tell me 'Happy Mother's Day!' even though lots of people know of our miscarriage.  My mom told me, my husband told me, and a sweet old lady at church told me.  My mom gave me this poem which I found to be very fitting:

Happy Mothers Day to you,

and may peace fill your heart

as you and your sweet baby spend

this mothers day apart

My thoughts and prayers are with you

on this Mothers Day

for you have seen your hopes and dreams

softly slip away

Happy Mothers Day to you

you deserve nothing less

for you have borne the burden

of loss and emptiness.

You have earned the right to roses

or daisies in chubby hands

but all I can offer to you

is a friend who understands.

There's so much pain and sorrow

when things turn out this way

but we share a special bond

on this special day.

So happy Mothers Day, my friend

may it bring some joy to you

for you have loved that special way

that only mothers do.

On a different note, we've been trying to conceive.  As of today, my period is 5 days late and all 5 pregnancy tests I've taken have been negative.  I have a doctor's appointment this afternoon to see what's up!  I'm trying not to get excited and I know the odds aren't good that I'm pregnant, but I'm still hoping! :)  We'll just have to see what God blesses us with today!!

Everyone's Pregnant......Except Me

If you've ever had a miscarriage, you know that afterwards news of other pregnancies can send you into sad panic.  How come EVERYONE is pregnant when I'm not?!?  When I say everyone, I'm sure it's not but it sure seems like it.  I know people get pregnant all the time, not just when you lose a baby.  But it sure seems like everyone from my home town is pregnant NOW.

While I'm excited for the expectant parents, it just reminds me of what we don't have......
                                    of what we want so very much.

Things have been a little harder since we found out one of my best friends is expecting.  She got pregnant right after we had our miscarriage.   While we're so excited for them and their new addition, we're constantly reminded of their joy, while we're still going through a 'dark' period.  She's been amazing through this entire situation.  She's listened to me bawl my eyes out when the doctor gave us the news, she's given me encouraging words for the past four months, she's been the person that I can say anything too.  Since she's gotten pregnant, though,  I've found it really hard to talk to her.  I find myself extremely jealous of her......She has a little one, safe - sound - and healthy, while I have an empty womb.  She's been great and won't talk about the baby unless I ask her about it, but whether we talk about it or not, we both still know she's pregnant and I'm not.

That said,  I know that one day we'll be able to openly talk like we once did.  I just need to continue healing for that day to become a reality.