Another set-back

In my last post, I was headed to the doctor's office to see what exactly was going on.  They did a urine test and a blood test.....My HGC levels were zero.  She sent me home with a 'wait and see' and 'give me a call next week if nothing's happened'.  My miscarriage waiting period came to mind.  I knew that it wasn't going to be the same, but the last five months have been filled with waiting.

Waiting to:

• See if next week's ultrasound would show a heartbeat.
• Miscarry.  Those were very long, agonizing days.
• Start trying to get pregnant again. 
• See what that month's pregnancy test said.  (Always hoping and praying for a positive.)
• Waiting to try again next month when the test said negative.
• 
  

I've really had enough waiting......I should be used to it I guess, but it's SO frustrating.  I really just want to be pregnant, to go to a doctor's appointment and hear the heartbeat.  I really just want to have some pure joy in my life again.

When we found out we were pregnant back in November, we were floating on the clouds until the doctor popped our balloon.  I want that again.  We were blissfully happy and unaware what cruel joke God was going to play on us.   I don't want another cruel joke, I just want to be happy. We were happy we were pregnant.  We were happy with each other. Really, until the doctor delivered the bad news, nothing got us down.  These days, we seem to just exist.......We're not not happy, but we're really not happy either. We're kind of just balancing on the line.  

I did get my period (a week and three days late) and called the doctor to see what the next step was.  I'm just waiting again.  We'll see what my cycle looks like this month.  We'll see if it's normal or if it's on the fritz again.  How's that going to help us while we're trying to get pregnant.  God only knows when I'm actually ovulating.  My solution is to start charting basal temps and see where that gets us.  Too bad it takes three months to actually see a pattern.  This waiting thing may continue for some time. I suppose I really need to stop waiting for us to get pregnant and enjoy the time for us as a couple.  I'm sure after we have a family, we'll be pining for it!

We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us.

Joseph Campbell