Missing Taylor

One year ago.......We lost you.   In my mind, I didn't lose you when I actually miscarried.  I lost you when the doctor told us you were gone.  Even though I miscarried at 10 weeks gestation, I have 9 weeks on your memorial necklace that I can't take off.

I wear your memorial necklace always.  Taking it off is hard and seems like I'm taking you out of my mind.  I love to hold onto it as I think of you during the day.  It sounds crazy, but when I talk to you I hold onto it also.  I'm so glad that there are jewelry sites that specialize in miscarriage and loss jewelry.  When I ordered a necklace shortly after our appointment, I didn't know that I would cherish it so much.  I also didn't know that it would be a 'connection'  to you.

I also love it because when people ask about my necklace, I get to tell them about you.

Front of necklace

Back of necklace

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

 but it never fails to bring music to my ears. 

If you are really my friend, 

let me hear the beautiful music of his name. 

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

What a Difference

What a difference a year can make!  I can't believe it's been a whole year since we got the horrible news that the ultrasound didn't reveal a heartbeat.  This past year has been full of ups and downs and I'd like to think that in the past year, I've become more aware of myself.

My life has changed in so many ways.  I now know what it is to love like a mother does.  I know which friends are truly in my life and care.  I know just how strong I am.

A year ago, I never would have imagined life as I now know it.  I wouldn't have believed I could survive.  I wouldn't have believed that it was possible to smile again or laugh.  I wouldn't have thought that I would ever be pregnant again, for the fear of miscarrying again.  It's amazing that I'm able to look back and finally see that this past year was all part of God's plan.

Even as I write it, it doesn't seem possible that I've come this realization!  While I still don't understand why Taylor was taken from us, I do understand that I learned a lot from our experience.  I know just how precious life is.  Also, I think our experience made me realize just how much I want to have children.

While I'm able to reflect on the last year, don't mistake my positive thoughts for complete healing.  I still have my bad days.  Some days I'd much rather crawl in a hole than continue on.  These bad days though are getting fewer and farther between.  I can't imagine that there will ever come a day when I don't think of Taylor and imagine what might have been.

Had to share! :)

There is a reason why angel babies come to us; 

they make us stronger,

they give us courage,

and they teach us unconditional love.

Sad time of year......

Lately, all I've been able to think about is the past.  I seem to 'flash' back to last year at this time.  I remember how happy we were, not knowing what was to come.  We had just found out we were pregnant and were bursting at the seams to share our news.  I think about how hard it was for me not to tell all of our family over Thanksgiving when we were all gathered together.  I think about our first doctor's appointment where our pregnancy was confirmed.  We were SO excited after that appointment that we shared our amazing news with my best friend and her husband that weekend.

In addition to remembering how ecstatic we were this time last year, I can't help but remember our lives being rocked by the horrible news.  I remember having to tell our parents in the same sentence that we were pregnant, but not for long. I remember hoping and praying for a miracle.....hoping and praying that our doctor was wrong. I remember receiving the results of our second ultrasound and the bleak days of waiting for something to happen.  

Looking back, I'm not sure how I survived.  I guess I was stronger then than I am now.  Everyday that I think about last year, my heart breaks.  It doesn't crack or splinter; it seems to break into a million pieces.

As I think about last year, I can't help but think of how our lives would be completley different if we hadn't lost Taylor.  Our sweet little boy (Since it was too early to tell a sex I'm not really sure, but I really think we lost a baby boy.) would have just turned 4 months old.  Instead of preparing a nursery for his little sister, we would be doting on him.  There would be Christmas presents under the tree for him, our house would be filled with baby things, our lives would be a lot crazier and our hearts filled with love.

I know it's odd to think of these things, especially when his little sister is safe and sound, kicking up a storm in my belly.  It's hard not to think about though.  Most people think that I'm over-attached since we lost Taylor at 10 weeks. The way I look at it, the first four weeks we had no idea and the last two weeks we were praying like crazy and mourning our loss.  That still leaves four whole weeks to fall in love, plan and dream about the future, and just in general be excited about a new life.  By the time we got the bad news, I had already planned his first birthday party in my head!

I think that only a mom can understand just how quickly you become attached to your little one  I guess that's why I still have a hard time swallowing our loss still.

I stumbled across this poem the other day and it really spoke to me.  I wanted to share:

A Mother's Christmas Wish

I guess if I could make just one Christmas wish, 
I would wish I could see you. 
To hold, to snuggle, to just kiss, 
This is something I'd really like to do. 

My arms ache for my baby boy, 
Who will always remain just that. 
To never grow and experience joy,
I wish I knew where you were at. 

Why is it God thought he needed you more than I,
And why is it wishes can't come true? 
I am just an aching heart who can only ask why, 
And a mother who can't let go of you. 

Please God grant me this one Christmas wish, 
If just for a minute, an hour or a day.
He is someone I really need & miss, 
What more must I say? 

Written By: Beckie/HeavensAngel

The Cloud

I saw this on Miscarriage & Loss's facebook page and just had to share it!  Somedays it really does seem as if a cloud just follows...........

The Cloud

I want to shake off this grey cloud,the one above my head every day,

I’ve tried but it won’t shift at all, I think it’s here to stay.

Sometimes I feel it move a little, away in the distance somewhere,

... But all too soon it’s back with its gloomy air of despair.

I’ve tried yelling at it but it will not go, it knows my heart has been broken I’m sure,

It sways a bit but will not leave, I am not who I was before.

My friends all say I’ve changed, well then it must be so,

I am not the same as I was, this is true I know.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, see these sad and lonely eyes,

I wouldn’t recognise me at all, this stranger in the mirror sighs.

I don’t recollect the person I see standing here,

With no make up on, no smile, face awash with tears.

Is this now the new me? The one I have become,

Since the heavens took my baby, to the land beyond the sun.

My cloud it has been there since my precious baby died,

Always to be a reminder of my loss, its presence so close by.

One day I hope this grey cloud will lessen and turn to white,

My sad, lost eyes learn to sparkle again, my grief become less tight.

Until then my cloud is always with me, my companion on these lonely days,

Sometimes I think my grey cloud is with me now to stay.

Baby Clothes

Last night, I started sorting through all the baby clothes that my sister in law saved for us.  They have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy) so we got a lot of clothing handed over!!!  It's so amazing that they make clothes that small and that babies fit in them!  They seem so darn small!!!

I'm always thinking about how different this time is with our baby girl than with Taylor.  Sorting through clothing seemed to be difficult.  Even though we lost Taylor at 10 weeks 2 days, I really just felt we were having a boy.  I couldn't be certain, so I picked a name for our little one that could work either way, but I just had a gut feeling Taylor was a boy.  

Girl's clothing is so adorable, so it was easy to sort through and imagine my little girl wearing that outfit someday.  But I also had to sort through boy's clothing.  I had a harder time with that.  I can't help but feel that if we hadn't of lost Taylor that my life would be filled with all things boy and the nursery would be decked out in camo. :)

I know a lot of Baby Loss Mommas struggle with their next pregnancy, but I sometimes wonder if all the comparing I do is normal.  Maybe it isn't, but it's my way of coping and remembering.  I don't always feel like people remember that we lost a baby.  My mom and I talk about it often and my friend Justine will ask, but not many people mention it to me.  I'm sure some don't mention it because of the awkwardness of the situation.

I've decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Taylor. I'm still trying to decide what I'm getting and where I'm putting it, but I've thought about 'Too beautiful for earth." with the date.  I've also thought about getting this and a date under.

I still have some time to think about it and decide exactly what I want since I'll have to wait until March to get one, but it's comforting knowing that I'll get one for my angel. 

24 Weeks

I traveled to Kearney yesterday for our 24 week appointment.  I got to do the fun glucose test.  It actually didn't turn out as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I've had lots of people tell me that I would have to choke the liquid down, but I lucked out and didn't think it was that bad.  They gave me the fruit punch drink (reminded me of Hi-C) and tipped me off to refrigerate it.  I had no problems getting it down.......but that wasn't the part that I was really worried about.  I was super worried that my blood sugar would be high. I figured that because everything had gone so smoothly, this was the one thing that would completely throw me off!  I was pleasantly surprised when my blood sugar came back completely normal, not even a little high!!!!

The rest of my appointment went really well.  Of course, any day where I get to listen to our little girls heartbeat is amazing!!!!  Her heart was going strong at 144 bpm.  I'm still measuring a week ahead, so we may have a Valentine's Day baby!!!!