Sad time of year......

Lately, all I've been able to think about is the past.  I seem to 'flash' back to last year at this time.  I remember how happy we were, not knowing what was to come.  We had just found out we were pregnant and were bursting at the seams to share our news.  I think about how hard it was for me not to tell all of our family over Thanksgiving when we were all gathered together.  I think about our first doctor's appointment where our pregnancy was confirmed.  We were SO excited after that appointment that we shared our amazing news with my best friend and her husband that weekend.

In addition to remembering how ecstatic we were this time last year, I can't help but remember our lives being rocked by the horrible news.  I remember having to tell our parents in the same sentence that we were pregnant, but not for long. I remember hoping and praying for a miracle.....hoping and praying that our doctor was wrong. I remember receiving the results of our second ultrasound and the bleak days of waiting for something to happen.  

Looking back, I'm not sure how I survived.  I guess I was stronger then than I am now.  Everyday that I think about last year, my heart breaks.  It doesn't crack or splinter; it seems to break into a million pieces.

As I think about last year, I can't help but think of how our lives would be completley different if we hadn't lost Taylor.  Our sweet little boy (Since it was too early to tell a sex I'm not really sure, but I really think we lost a baby boy.) would have just turned 4 months old.  Instead of preparing a nursery for his little sister, we would be doting on him.  There would be Christmas presents under the tree for him, our house would be filled with baby things, our lives would be a lot crazier and our hearts filled with love.

I know it's odd to think of these things, especially when his little sister is safe and sound, kicking up a storm in my belly.  It's hard not to think about though.  Most people think that I'm over-attached since we lost Taylor at 10 weeks. The way I look at it, the first four weeks we had no idea and the last two weeks we were praying like crazy and mourning our loss.  That still leaves four whole weeks to fall in love, plan and dream about the future, and just in general be excited about a new life.  By the time we got the bad news, I had already planned his first birthday party in my head!

I think that only a mom can understand just how quickly you become attached to your little one  I guess that's why I still have a hard time swallowing our loss still.

I stumbled across this poem the other day and it really spoke to me.  I wanted to share:

A Mother's Christmas Wish

I guess if I could make just one Christmas wish, 
I would wish I could see you. 
To hold, to snuggle, to just kiss, 
This is something I'd really like to do. 

My arms ache for my baby boy, 
Who will always remain just that. 
To never grow and experience joy,
I wish I knew where you were at. 

Why is it God thought he needed you more than I,
And why is it wishes can't come true? 
I am just an aching heart who can only ask why, 
And a mother who can't let go of you. 

Please God grant me this one Christmas wish, 
If just for a minute, an hour or a day.
He is someone I really need & miss, 
What more must I say? 

Written By: Beckie/HeavensAngel