Letting Go

I've been so completely obsessed with getting pregnant since our miscarriage that I have forgotten just exactly who I am and what else I want.  This past weekend, Mitch was a groomsman in a friends wedding, so we made the trip out to support our friends as they entered into marriage.  What a wonderful weekend!!!  I had so much fun!

This weekend, I was able to just get a break from worrying about becoming pregnant and just relax, hang with friends, and be myself!  Not the self that I'm used to being.  Not the worried, crying mess of a woman that I usually am.  I was able to be the self that I was before this whole nightmare happened.  It was great and refreshing to get back to 'normal' even if it was just for a weekend!

This weekend:

• I got to spend lots of time with my hubby!!! Since Mitch started his new job, time for us has been little to none.  Don't get me wrong, we spend time together but it seems to be time doing projects or time when Mitch is so tired he falls asleep on the couch.  I wasn't excited for the 5 hour drive, but it gave us lots of time to talk and just be with each other.  We didn't have any projects, work, or the business stuff to do.  It was wonderful!!!!

• I got drunk.  I haven't done that for a long time.  When we decided to start trying, I gave up alcohol.  This weekend I decided there was no reason to not drink until we find out we're pregnant. 

• I had 'girl-time'.  Another groomsman and his wife are mutual friends, so while the wedding party was doing stuff, the wife & I got to catch up!  We have hung out a few times since we live in the same town, but since our lives have been so chaotic lately it was really nice to catch up!  

• I decided to let nature take it's course.  We've been so worried about becoming pregnant, that I feel like the rest of our lives are hurting!  When you concentrate on one thing and one thing only, it seems to consume you and your life.  I had decided to start charting and ordered ovulation kits so that we could be right on top of trying.  I decided that we were going a little overboard and obsessing TOO MUCH and that it would be best to just keep living instead of obsessing.  So no more charting for me.  It'll happen when it happens.  (I've also heard that most people get pregnant when they stop trying so hard.)  If it happened before, it'll happen again.  We weren't expecting it the first time, so maybe no expectations work for us!

All in all it was a great weekend!  I'm also starting to feel more like myself.  I think I'm beginning to focus on the miscarriage less and more on life.  I still feel like something is missing and have horrible days where I'd like to just crawl in a hole and never come out, but  those days are getting less and less and the good days are happening more frequently.  I know that someday I'll be able to look back and smile.  I'll be happy that God blessed us with a child even if only in womb and only for a short while.  One day...........