Just in case I didn't remember......

When I was pregnant with Taylor, I signed up at all the baby websites to get weekly pregnancy updates.  After my miscarriage, I painfully unsubscribed from all of these.....or so I thought. This morning I received an update on my 14 month old.  It doesn't seem like it's been that long since all of the heartache.  How could I have lost him a year and eight months ago already?!?

Then I couldn't help but think of what would be......Taylor would be running around now.  And his name wouldn't be Taylor.....we had decided on a boy name from day 1.  I would be trying to keep up with a growing boy.  Learning about tractors and trucks, frogs and snakes, walking into a boy's room.  He would be talking and his first word would have been dada......

Just when it seems like I've got my emotions figured out and I'm okay, something seems to blindside me.

I miss you everyday Taylor....not a day goes by that mommy doesn't think about you.  Know that I love you always.

Half Birthday!

I can't believe my baby is 6 months old already!   Where has the time gone??


At six months, Kaitlyn:

• is sitting up!  She's much happier sitting than on her tummy all day!
• wears mostly 12 month clothing.  She does still have a few 9-12 month clothes that fit. 
• is still waiting on teeth.....I wish those darn things would pop through already!!!
• babbles all the time.  It seems like each day she learns a new letter and repeats it all day long.  Yesterday it was G. 'ga go ge'   Can't wait til she gets to M!!
• is ticklish like her mama.  Her collarbone and feet are always ticklish and I can usually find a spot on her ribs.  I love her giggles!
• has been eating three meals a day.  She'll eat about 4oz of food at a time and gets grains, fruits, and veggies.  We're going to introduce chicken this week!
• Still gets 30 ounces of milk a day.  She nurses in the morning, gets a 10am bottle, bottle at 12pm, bottle at 2:30, and nurses at 7pm before bed. I've started weaning her. 
• LOVES feeding herself.  It is super messy and always leads to putting her in the bath right away, but she loves it!
• is my shopping buddy.  She squeals all through the grocery store, talks to everyone, and loves to grab at things on the shelves.  
• is getting faster at walking.  Poor buster..........He's going to have to go into hiding.
• has been trying to stand up.  Her legs are strong enough to push her up, but she hasn't quite figured out how to use her arms to help herself. 
• has pushed herself up to her hands and knees a few time while on her tummy......we really need to start baby proofing!

Happy to feed herself.

Bath time is her favorite time of the day. 

Bucket of toys = happy girl!

Kaitlyn Grace......you are such a blessing.  I never would have imagined that I could be capable of feeling this much love or that my life would change so much.  I am grateful that God put you in my life.  I love you baby girl!

Homemade Baby Food

Kaitlyn's been eating baby food for a couple months now and we've been trying to keep up with feeding her fresh food.   I'll tell ya....it's hard.  Our baby girl eats like she's starved.   She'll eat 4oz of food at a time...much more than most babies her age.  Maybe it's because she's off the growth charts!!

We planted a garden in May and hoped we'd be able to put up lots of baby food!  We planted tomatoes, peppers, carrots, beans, onions, cucumbers, watermelon, and cantelope. I wish we would have included peas, because Kaitlyn LOVES peas!  Oh well.....next year.

I've been freezing green beans and carrots like crazy for her! I love that her food is preservative free and it's also much cheaper than buying it.

Chopping green beans....

LOVE our Magic Bullet for pureeing food!

Ready to freeze.

Now, if only my hubby would plant some fruit trees...................

Memorial Tattoo

I've finally decided on a tattoo and placing!  I'm very excited to get it! It's been a little over a year since my due date, and I'm hoping to get it done soon.

I'm going to get this design in light blue on my left wrist. 

I carry you within my heart

as I will never carry you in my arms.

For every step of my life

and when God calls me home,

I will see you, and know my baby.

5 Months

At 5 months, Kaitlyn:

• Is starting to teeth.  Her little gums are swollen, she's a little cranky, and chews on everything all day long. 
• Has been sucking on her bottom lip...she looks exactly like the little baby on the show 'Dinosaurs'. 
• Is talking and squealing more and more. 
• Laughs when you tickle her, make a funny face, or 'drop' her.  She loves being scared!!!
• Is wearing 6-9 month and 12 month clothing.  She outgrows everything SO fast!!!
• Rolls over like a champ. She spends more time on her tummy than her back.  She now loves tummy time. 
• Is sitting up more.  She sits up in her bath and in chairs. She's still working on sitting well on a flat surface. 
• Eats 3 meals a day.  She has rice cereal and fruit for breakfast (3-4oz of food), rice cereal for lunch(3oz), and oatmeal and a vegetable for supper(4oz).  Her favorite food so far is bananas. 
• Also gets 30 ounces of milk a day.  She nurses in the morning, gets a 10am bottle, nurses at 12pm, bottle at 2:30, and nurses at 7pm before bed. 
• Loves to walk!  We hold her hands and she loves to walk all over the house...usually trying to chase the dog.....poor Buster!
• Scoots around in her car.  She only scoots backwards at the moment!
• LOVES the water!!!  She's gonna be our little fish! Hubby better get to digging out a spot for a swimming pool in the backyard!
• Has a budding personality.  She's starting to let us know what she wants and why!

She makes the funniest faces. 

LOVE her laugh!!!

She loves books, especially the ones she can chew on!

Trip to the Zoo

This past weekend, we ventured to the zoo with my parents, brother and his girlfriend.  I didn't expect Kaitlyn to do much other than chill out in her stroller, eat and nap.  Boy, was I wrong!  In the morning she did exactly what I expected.....just chilled. But in the afternoon, we ventured to the aquarium and that is when she surprised me!  She was sick of sitting in her stroller, so I took her out and just carried her around.

She was fascinated by the fish!  She loved  looking at everything and I'm pretty sure her eyes couldn't open any further!

Missing out??

As we approach my due date, I find myself thinking about what I would be doing now if things had happened like I wanted them too.  Right now, I'm sure I'd be busy planning a first birthday party and putting invitations in the mail.

I'm conflicted inside.  Part of me misses Taylor and thinks about what would have been.  The other part of me knows that we were blessed with Kaitlyn because we lost Taylor.  It seems like an impossible situation to be in.  I feel like if I'm missing Taylor, I'm wishing Kaitlyn wasn't here. On the other hand, if I'm giving all my attention to Kaitlyn, I'm feeling like I'm forgetting that we lost Taylor.  Some days are easier to handle, but today is one of those overwhelming days.

I'm lost.  That's what it boils down to.  I feel like I'm on a road and instead of it forking into two, it forks into a circle....I just keep going to circles inside.   I haven't been able to be at peace with my loss and I haven't been able to be at peace with our child.

I'm sure one day, I'll look back and realize this was all part of God's plan for me.  I know that my struggles bring me closer to Him, but at the moment I really wish I wasn't struggling with this.

A life worth remembering and celebrating...no matter how short.