Baby Showers

* This post was written on Jan 10th, but I misplaced my camera, lol, so it's a little behind!

This past weekend, we had two baby showers!  One on Saturday given by Mitch's sister and aunt, and one on Sunday given by my aunt, best friend, and her mom.  Everyone's generosity, thoughtfulness, and kindness overwhelmed me.  We received so many things for baby Reineke!

The nursery is now ready to go with the exception of needing a changing pad!  Baby's dresser is overflowing with blankets and clothes from all of our family and friends.  I actually feel like we could bring her home tomorrow and be good to go!!!

Hubby was a little overwhelmed by all of the pink.  He just looked at our kitchen table piled high with gifts and said all he could see was pink!  I told him that pretty soon, once she arrived, he wouldn't have a problem with pink at all!  It would just be the everyday norm.

Here are a few pictures from the showers:

Saturday Shower thrown by sister Kelly and aunt Marlene

Sunday Shower thrown by friend Justine, aunt Marcia, and family friend Yanci. 

Excited for the new year!

I’m super excited for 2012!!!  I can’t wait to meet our baby girl in February and enjoy a month off work with her! I can’t wait to spend days snuggling with her and am looking forward to sleepless nights and long days!  (I know in a month or two my opinion will be completely different as I beg/plead for some sleep.)

We have our baby showers this weekend!  Yes, I said showers as in plural.  We have one in Ord on Saturday afternoon and one on Sunday afternoon!  We’re going to go from an empty nursery to a packed full nursery in just one weekend!  I’m excited to be able to finally know what we need!  I’ve been holding off on buying stuff for our little girl because I know we’ll get tons of stuff from family and friends.  BUT, how am I supposed to nest and get everything ready for our princess without any stuff??? I know that this weekend is going to feel like running a marathon and my swollen feet will probably reflect just that, but I’m really looking forward to all the time spent with family and friends!

It’s finally starting to sink in that pretty soon we’ll have a little girl in our arms.  Being pregnant is fun, don’t get me wrong, but I’m dying to hold our little girl and count her fingers and toes and see that she’s okay!  This pregnancy has seemed to drag on, maybe because I’ve been pregnant for most of the last year.  It seems like I’ve been praying for a little one for forever and now my prayers are going to be answered!!

I’m in week 33 of pregnancy and with that I’m starting to experience some new symptoms.  I’ve been lucky in the sense that middle of the night bathroom trips were not something I had to do, even in the first trimester….This past week I’ve been going up and down the stairs like a crazy lady!!  Who knew that something so small could kick your bladder so hard?!?!  I’ve also begun to experience sleeplessness……my mind is constantly running with things that I/we need to do before our little girl arrives that it never shuts off!  Falling asleep is hard, staying asleep is harder!  I’m sure my body is just preparing itself for the new level of exhaustion that I’m about to experience, but I’m thinking it’d be smart to ‘store-up’ on sleep! 

Some fun-facts:

•          Our little one weighs in a little over 4 lbs and has passed the 17 inch mark!!
•           Her brain is growing super fast!
•          Her bones are hardening!
•          She only has a few more weeks of growing in-utero before she’ll be ready for life on the outside!

Missing Taylor

One year ago.......We lost you.   In my mind, I didn't lose you when I actually miscarried.  I lost you when the doctor told us you were gone.  Even though I miscarried at 10 weeks gestation, I have 9 weeks on your memorial necklace that I can't take off.

I wear your memorial necklace always.  Taking it off is hard and seems like I'm taking you out of my mind.  I love to hold onto it as I think of you during the day.  It sounds crazy, but when I talk to you I hold onto it also.  I'm so glad that there are jewelry sites that specialize in miscarriage and loss jewelry.  When I ordered a necklace shortly after our appointment, I didn't know that I would cherish it so much.  I also didn't know that it would be a 'connection'  to you.

I also love it because when people ask about my necklace, I get to tell them about you.

Front of necklace

Back of necklace

"The mention of my child's name may bring tears to my eyes,

 but it never fails to bring music to my ears. 

If you are really my friend, 

let me hear the beautiful music of his name. 

It soothes my broken heart and sings to my soul."

What a Difference

What a difference a year can make!  I can't believe it's been a whole year since we got the horrible news that the ultrasound didn't reveal a heartbeat.  This past year has been full of ups and downs and I'd like to think that in the past year, I've become more aware of myself.

My life has changed in so many ways.  I now know what it is to love like a mother does.  I know which friends are truly in my life and care.  I know just how strong I am.

A year ago, I never would have imagined life as I now know it.  I wouldn't have believed I could survive.  I wouldn't have believed that it was possible to smile again or laugh.  I wouldn't have thought that I would ever be pregnant again, for the fear of miscarrying again.  It's amazing that I'm able to look back and finally see that this past year was all part of God's plan.

Even as I write it, it doesn't seem possible that I've come this realization!  While I still don't understand why Taylor was taken from us, I do understand that I learned a lot from our experience.  I know just how precious life is.  Also, I think our experience made me realize just how much I want to have children.

While I'm able to reflect on the last year, don't mistake my positive thoughts for complete healing.  I still have my bad days.  Some days I'd much rather crawl in a hole than continue on.  These bad days though are getting fewer and farther between.  I can't imagine that there will ever come a day when I don't think of Taylor and imagine what might have been.

Had to share! :)

There is a reason why angel babies come to us; 

they make us stronger,

they give us courage,

and they teach us unconditional love.

Sad time of year......

Lately, all I've been able to think about is the past.  I seem to 'flash' back to last year at this time.  I remember how happy we were, not knowing what was to come.  We had just found out we were pregnant and were bursting at the seams to share our news.  I think about how hard it was for me not to tell all of our family over Thanksgiving when we were all gathered together.  I think about our first doctor's appointment where our pregnancy was confirmed.  We were SO excited after that appointment that we shared our amazing news with my best friend and her husband that weekend.

In addition to remembering how ecstatic we were this time last year, I can't help but remember our lives being rocked by the horrible news.  I remember having to tell our parents in the same sentence that we were pregnant, but not for long. I remember hoping and praying for a miracle.....hoping and praying that our doctor was wrong. I remember receiving the results of our second ultrasound and the bleak days of waiting for something to happen.  

Looking back, I'm not sure how I survived.  I guess I was stronger then than I am now.  Everyday that I think about last year, my heart breaks.  It doesn't crack or splinter; it seems to break into a million pieces.

As I think about last year, I can't help but think of how our lives would be completley different if we hadn't lost Taylor.  Our sweet little boy (Since it was too early to tell a sex I'm not really sure, but I really think we lost a baby boy.) would have just turned 4 months old.  Instead of preparing a nursery for his little sister, we would be doting on him.  There would be Christmas presents under the tree for him, our house would be filled with baby things, our lives would be a lot crazier and our hearts filled with love.

I know it's odd to think of these things, especially when his little sister is safe and sound, kicking up a storm in my belly.  It's hard not to think about though.  Most people think that I'm over-attached since we lost Taylor at 10 weeks. The way I look at it, the first four weeks we had no idea and the last two weeks we were praying like crazy and mourning our loss.  That still leaves four whole weeks to fall in love, plan and dream about the future, and just in general be excited about a new life.  By the time we got the bad news, I had already planned his first birthday party in my head!

I think that only a mom can understand just how quickly you become attached to your little one  I guess that's why I still have a hard time swallowing our loss still.

I stumbled across this poem the other day and it really spoke to me.  I wanted to share:

A Mother's Christmas Wish

I guess if I could make just one Christmas wish, 
I would wish I could see you. 
To hold, to snuggle, to just kiss, 
This is something I'd really like to do. 

My arms ache for my baby boy, 
Who will always remain just that. 
To never grow and experience joy,
I wish I knew where you were at. 

Why is it God thought he needed you more than I,
And why is it wishes can't come true? 
I am just an aching heart who can only ask why, 
And a mother who can't let go of you. 

Please God grant me this one Christmas wish, 
If just for a minute, an hour or a day.
He is someone I really need & miss, 
What more must I say? 

Written By: Beckie/HeavensAngel

The Cloud

I saw this on Miscarriage & Loss's facebook page and just had to share it!  Somedays it really does seem as if a cloud just follows...........

The Cloud

I want to shake off this grey cloud,the one above my head every day,

I’ve tried but it won’t shift at all, I think it’s here to stay.

Sometimes I feel it move a little, away in the distance somewhere,

... But all too soon it’s back with its gloomy air of despair.

I’ve tried yelling at it but it will not go, it knows my heart has been broken I’m sure,

It sways a bit but will not leave, I am not who I was before.

My friends all say I’ve changed, well then it must be so,

I am not the same as I was, this is true I know.

Sometimes I look in the mirror, see these sad and lonely eyes,

I wouldn’t recognise me at all, this stranger in the mirror sighs.

I don’t recollect the person I see standing here,

With no make up on, no smile, face awash with tears.

Is this now the new me? The one I have become,

Since the heavens took my baby, to the land beyond the sun.

My cloud it has been there since my precious baby died,

Always to be a reminder of my loss, its presence so close by.

One day I hope this grey cloud will lessen and turn to white,

My sad, lost eyes learn to sparkle again, my grief become less tight.

Until then my cloud is always with me, my companion on these lonely days,

Sometimes I think my grey cloud is with me now to stay.