Baby Clothes

Last night, I started sorting through all the baby clothes that my sister in law saved for us.  They have 3 kids (2 girls and 1 boy) so we got a lot of clothing handed over!!!  It's so amazing that they make clothes that small and that babies fit in them!  They seem so darn small!!!

I'm always thinking about how different this time is with our baby girl than with Taylor.  Sorting through clothing seemed to be difficult.  Even though we lost Taylor at 10 weeks 2 days, I really just felt we were having a boy.  I couldn't be certain, so I picked a name for our little one that could work either way, but I just had a gut feeling Taylor was a boy.  

Girl's clothing is so adorable, so it was easy to sort through and imagine my little girl wearing that outfit someday.  But I also had to sort through boy's clothing.  I had a harder time with that.  I can't help but feel that if we hadn't of lost Taylor that my life would be filled with all things boy and the nursery would be decked out in camo. :)

I know a lot of Baby Loss Mommas struggle with their next pregnancy, but I sometimes wonder if all the comparing I do is normal.  Maybe it isn't, but it's my way of coping and remembering.  I don't always feel like people remember that we lost a baby.  My mom and I talk about it often and my friend Justine will ask, but not many people mention it to me.  I'm sure some don't mention it because of the awkwardness of the situation.

I've decided to get a tattoo in remembrance of Taylor. I'm still trying to decide what I'm getting and where I'm putting it, but I've thought about 'Too beautiful for earth." with the date.  I've also thought about getting this and a date under.

I still have some time to think about it and decide exactly what I want since I'll have to wait until March to get one, but it's comforting knowing that I'll get one for my angel. 

24 Weeks

I traveled to Kearney yesterday for our 24 week appointment.  I got to do the fun glucose test.  It actually didn't turn out as bad as I thought it was going to be.  I've had lots of people tell me that I would have to choke the liquid down, but I lucked out and didn't think it was that bad.  They gave me the fruit punch drink (reminded me of Hi-C) and tipped me off to refrigerate it.  I had no problems getting it down.......but that wasn't the part that I was really worried about.  I was super worried that my blood sugar would be high. I figured that because everything had gone so smoothly, this was the one thing that would completely throw me off!  I was pleasantly surprised when my blood sugar came back completely normal, not even a little high!!!!

The rest of my appointment went really well.  Of course, any day where I get to listen to our little girls heartbeat is amazing!!!!  Her heart was going strong at 144 bpm.  I'm still measuring a week ahead, so we may have a Valentine's Day baby!!!!

Nursery Pics

I am in LOVE with the nursery! Even though it's only painted (there's no furniture in it yet), I love to just stand in there and think about the future!!!!!

Mitch & I in the nursery after we got done painting!!

Hubby working away! :)

Nursery Musings

Dear Taylor,

This past weekend, I finally decided that I needed to get something done with the nursery.  I had been putting it off because I was scared.  Scared that I would lose your little sister just like I lost you.  I really didn't want to lose her and come home to a decorated nursery.  In someway, I let myself think that if I didn't paint the nursery, I wouldn't be so attached........ Definitely not true! So on Thursday, I decided that the ugly office that should have been painted for you really needed to be painted for your little sister.  I worked on it for the last few days and I'm glad to say it's done!

I started painting and after about 5 minutes, I was absolutely enraged.  Like, shaking.  I don't know that I've been that mad for a very long time.  I was mad that I was having to do this. We should have painted your room a long time ago and you should be in there, not in heaven. Then I found myself in tears thinking about what would have been............You would have been right around the 3 month mark today.

Then I reminded myself that what would have been and what are aren't the same thing, even though I wish they were.  No matter how much hoping I do, it won't change the outcome.  Know that I love you and miss you very much and keep watching over your little sister!

Love always,

Mom

IT'S A GIRL!!!

Baby Reineke

It's so hard to explain our level of excitement!  Our ultrasound went much better than I expected.  Baby looks healthy, is growing well, and is moving around a lot!  The only thing about our appointment that worries me is that she's measuring a week ahead AND she's in the 90th percentile for size!  Our doctor estimated a 9lb baby at birth! That kinda scares me!!

Finding out that our little one is a girl was such a special moment!  I'm pretty sure my heart swelled with love.  Since our appointment, I can't stop looking at little pink clothes!  I've also picked up paint for the nursery and am just itching to start getting it ready for our little girl!  

Names are another thing completely!  Mitch & I had decided on a boy's name before our ultrasound but haven't been able to agree on a girl's name at all.  Everything he suggests just doesn't sound right to me and what I suggest he isn't fond of, so we're still in the brain-storming phase.  Hopefully we'll be able to agree on a few before our baby girl decides to arrive! 

Forever Changing

Our lives are always changing......After today, our lives will be changed in a major way.  We have our 20 week ultrasound today.  You know, the MAJOR ultrasound when the doctor checks to make sure your baby is developing properly, is growing like it should, is on the right track, and where you can find out the sex!!!

I've heard lots of people's opinions on whether we should find out or not (most of them against my will).  It amazes me that so many people will tell you their opinions and expect it to change your mind.  When we were pregnant with Taylor, Mitch wanted to find out the sex.......and I did not.  This time around, I want to know.  My reasoning is that if something were to happen, I want to have all the 'bonding' time that I can and I want to know my baby more.  I know that it sounds silly, but this time around I'm worried about these things.

I know that in a matter of a month, we could safely have our little one in a major hospital and things would be okay, but I'm still worried.  The people close to me get my reasoning, but everyone else just thinks we're crazy for wanting to find out.  'It's the most magical thing to give birth to your child and look down to see him/her'.  I've heard versions of that phrase for the last 2 months!

I say that finding out what you're having is a magical moment, whether it happens during your pregnancy or after birth.  Either way, it will be a day you remember forever!!  Right not, I'm just praying our little one isn't as stubborn as me and will actually let the doctor see!!!!!

Awaiting our Ultrasound!

On Wednesday, we have our 20-week ultrasound!!!  I'm so excited and nervous at the same time.  I can't believe we've made it to the 19 week mark and will soon find out if we're having a little boy or girl!! Yes, we're finding out.  I think everyone who knows we're pregnant has asked us if we're going to find out or not.

Everyone seems to have their own opinion as to whether people should find out or not.  I've been told that it's the most magical thing to find out right after birth.  My thoughts are that it's a special, magical time whether you find out during pregnancy or after birth.  Either way it changes your life.

I really want to find out because I'm a planner.  My sister-in-law has saved almost everything from her 3 kids to hand down to me, so we have boys & girls clothes, toys, bedding, etc.  I really want to be able to bring our little one home to a completed nursery and not have to put clothes in drawers when all I really want to do is get a 15 minute nap in.

The other reason I want to find out, is because I'm still nervous.  If something were to happen, I really want to be able to bond with our little one more.  It scares the crap out of me to even think about this option, but after the miscarriage I can't help but think about it.

Also, one of my friends from high school was 4-5 weeks ahead of me and she delivered.  It just made me think a little more.  Things look good so far for her little one since she was over 24 weeks along, but the possibility scares me.  It seems horrible, but while I'm prayer for her and her little one, I'm also praying that I don't EVER have to experience that.  It seems horrible to say, but I know that it's true.

I'm also nervous for our upcoming ultrasound because of all the medicine I took before I knew I was pregnant.  I'm hoping baby was not affected and development went normally.  I had my wisdom teeth out just right after we would have conceived and it makes me really nervous.  Our OB wasn't too worried, but that still doesn't stop me from worrying.

Our OB is out on maternity leave, so we actually have a different doctor for our ultrasound.  I'm not too nervous about that because Dr. Jurgenson assured us that he was the best for ultrasounds.  She actually told us we lucked out that she'd be gone!  She's had a few miscarriages, so she is sympathetic and understands all our worrying.  She said that if something is wrong, the doctor we have while she is out will be the best!

I guess that's all for the updating on all my worrying. :)