Frustrated

People just don't seem to get that losing a baby changes a person.  They don't understand that I view the entire world differently than I used too.  They don't understand why I'm a nervous wreck.  It truly amazes me that people can be so ignorant. That they can ask me questions about how many kids I have even though they know we lost a baby and know we're pregnant again.  It really just truly amazes me.

I know it's partially my fault that people close to me don't know how much I'm still hurting, how much I worry, and how much it annoys me that they ask me all these questions.  It's my fault because I don't tell them.  I'm too quiet and nice of a person to tell them that they've offended me.

For example, this past Christmas my relatives were asking me when Mitch & I were going to have kids.  This was 5 days after we got the horrible news that we were going to miscarry.  How did I not burst into tears or yell at people?!?  I have no idea how I did it, but I looked each and every person who asked me that question in the face and lied.  I told them, 'We just aren't ready for kids.  Maybe someday.'    What the hell was I thinking?  Why can't I just tell people what's on my mind instead of sugarcoating my thoughts as too not make the person I'm talking to uncomfortable?  Why can't I put me first??

I've decided that I need to be more honest with people.  If they're asking the question, they should be ready to process my answer.  I'm hoping that this will help.  I guess we'll see!