Rush of Emotion

I thought of you and closed my eyes, And prayed to God today.
I asked what makes a Mother, And I know I heard him say:
A mother has a baby, This we know is true.
But, God, can you be a mother, When your baby's not with you? 
Yes, you can he replied, With confidence in his voice.
I give many women babies, When they leave is not thier choice.
Some I send for a lifetime, And others for a day.
And some I send to feel your womb, But theres no need to stay.
I just don't understand this God, I want my baby here.
He took a breath and cleared his throat, And then I saw a tear.
I wish that I could show you, What your child is doing today,
If you could see your child smile, With other children who say:
We go to earth and learn our lessons, Of love and life and fear.
My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here. 
I feel so lucky to have a mom, Who had so much love for me.
I learned my lessons very quickly, My mommy set me free.
I miss my mommy oh so much, But I visit her each day.
When she goes to sleep, On her pillow's where I lay.
I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear.
"Mommy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here."
So you see my dear sweet one, Your children are Ok.
Your babies are here in My home, They'll be at heavens gate for you.
So now you see what makes a mother.
It's the feeling in your heart.
It's the love you had so much of, Right from the very start.
Though some on earth may not realize you are a mother, until their time is done.
They'll be up here with Me one day, And you'll know that you're the best one!
~Author Unknown

I've read this poem a million times since I miscarried and haven't been able to make it through without crying.  When I read this poem, it all rings true.  How can I be a mother if I don't have a baby? People can't see from the outside that I'm a mother.  I'm not carrying an infant in my arms.  I'm not glowingly pregnant. I'm the mother of an angel.  There are no outward signs other than my puffy eyes and tear stains on my shirt.

My favorite part of this poem is "My mommy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here".     I know that it seems impossible to love a baby that I was only carrying for a short while, but if you've been pregnant you know what I'm talking about.  We were trying to get pregnant when we conceived, so it wasn't a surprise.  We took a test right away and knew for certain at four weeks.  We didn't miscarry until 10 weeks and 1 day, so we had 6 whole weeks to get used to the idea and fall in love with our little one.  We found out 13 days before we miscarried that it was not looking good.  We had gone in to get an ultrasound picture taken so that we could surprise our parents and tell them we were expecting in a Christmas present.  At that appointment our life turned upside down and our excitement turned into dread.  Our doctor scheduled us for another ultrasound in 10 days.  She was hoping that we had gotten pregnant later than we thought and it was just too soon to see a heartbeat.  

Those next 10 days were hell.  We were torn between hoping for the best and preparing for the bad.  Mitch's attitude was completely positive for the next 10 days while my attitude depended on the day and on which article I had read about our chances.  In 10 days, our worst fear was confirmed.  We were diagnosed with a blighted ovum (a sac had formed, but for genetic reasons a baby never formed) on December 30th.  I was sent home to miscarry on my own. I wasn't given any options at all.  That may be the part of my care that upsets me the most.  I can't say that I would have chosen to take a pill or have a D&C, but I still feel I should have had the option. I miscarried right after New Year's day, on Jan 2nd in the morning. That day seems like it was yesterday.  I can remember almost everything about that day.  

These past few months after the miscarriage have been difficult, extremely difficult.  Not a day passes that I don't think of what could have been.  For instance, today I would have been 24 weeks along.  It's so hard to get through the day without crying for my angel baby and for myself.  As each day ends and another begins, I am reminded of my strength in the past months.  I'm starting to function a little better each day and I actually talked about our angel baby, Taylor, to someone the other day without bursting into tears.  For me that is a major feat!  

I just remind myself that I only have to take one day at a time.

  Someday maybe I'll be able to take on more..........