Anniversary

It's been two years since that dreadful morning when I woke up in a panic and knew I was miscarrying.  That morning is forever burned into my memory.  We were in an ugly place.......a very ugly, dark place.

I was waiting to miscarry, but not ready to let go. That morning was as much of a physical challenge as it was an emotional one.  I remember that we primed our mudroom and kitchen that morning.  I also watched our two nieces and nephew that afternoon.  At the time, it seemed like a very good idea to keep busy and not think to much.  Looking back though, I wish we would have just taken it slow that day and mourned our loss.

I know that my hubby was tired of moping around and needed to keep his hands busy so that his mind wasn't.  I shouldn't have felt like I needed to act/behave a certain way.  I wish that I would have just allowed myself to be me for a while.

I know that for the rest of my life, I'll remember these anniversaries with feelings of grief. I know that I'm blessed to have been given the opportunity to carry my angel, even if it was for a short time. Even knowing that I'm blessed, I can't help but grieve.

"The only reason I know this pain is because I first knew the incredible love and joy that stole my heart the day I found out I was pregnant. I never have gotten my heart back, and the pain isn’t going away anytime soon."